Mar/03
2011
The name was silly but I bought the "Pestacator 2000" for several reasons. First, because it was made in the US of A. Yes it cost over $20 but it's made in the US of A! I will pay more then $20 for an item made here. Second, because it promised to rid our house of rodents (Note, not for use around *pet* rodents or Lil' Squeekums may suddenly flip out, and you'll find him staking you with a Barbie-sized hockey mask and appetizer knife.) Third, and probably most importantly, because we have a squirrel in the attic. No, that's *not* a metaphor, it's an accurate and honest description that explains why there are twenty pounds of acorn husks in the attic and the scurrying sounds above the bedrooms every morning. The Pesticator 2000 was Safe! Non-Toxic! And had Satisfaction Guaranteed! Really? Just like when I was a kid? I forked over my money at Home Depot. I also kept the receipt. Keep in mind before this I had tried other "organic" solutions. Mothballs for one. Worked like a charm for the first two weeks. Also stunk up the entire upstairs. But no squirrel... until the mothballs evaporated and then he was in like Flynn again. Fucker. I tried cat. Cat was a good solution while cat was in the attic, but there became another problem: cat extraction. While cat liked it up there, the cat also *really* liked it up there. Because the access to the space above our top floor is nothing more than a board set into the ceiling you can imagine trying to remove a recalcitrant cat while precariously perched on the top of a ladder might be a bit awkward. Also, if you didn't know this, cats have the ability to warp. Yes, that's right they can move themselves from one location in space and time and instantly appear in another. It might have something to do with the fact that there are times you need to take your eyes off the animal to prevent falling off a ladder as it angrily tries to de-flesh your face, but trust me, cats can do this - they just don't want anyone to know. No, cat was a poor solution. I was ready to try a trap and if that failed it was going to be poison, but as I went through the isles I saw this. And so it's been two weeks since I plugged the Pesticator into an outlet. That's it. You don't do anything else, just plug it in and see the LED come on. Since that time I have not heard a single scurry, nor a gnaw, or even a rustle. By the Gods I think it actually worked. I feel a bit bad for cat, because if the squirrel is gone and this device actually works as promised there won't be any more snacks meandering across the floor looking for crumbs. Cat will just have to make do with treats. In the mean time, I have a shit-ton of acorn husks to clean up. I think I can live with that.
Mar/03
2011
The officer was polite but firm, "Whose bag is this?" I looked up, it's never my bag because I'm such a careful, business traveler. But as I glanced up from my shoe-tying there he was, dangling my beatup, gray knapsack. Huh? "That's mine," I called out, still tying. "Follow me when you're done." Well ok, sure, I finished re-packing, re-tying, re-belting, re-sweatshirting, and obediently followed. I wracked my brain, what could it be? I had all the same stuff in the bag when I went through the checkpoint on the incoming flight. There was my notebooks, pencils, pens, cell phones (yes plural), some breath mints, lip balm, cables for this and that, and various decaying bits of detritus: shredded paper, crumbs, lint, pennies, pen caps, and a sandwich bag. That rung a bell. I also had my breakfast/lunch in there. Well shit. I would hate Airplane food if they offered it, but now they don't. I mean you can buy chips, cookies and "snack boxes" (more box than snack) but it costs a ton and since I had awoken at 4:45 AM to catch a 6:30 AM flight I didn't have time or the constitution to get something before boarding (note my iron-stomached co-workers went to Burger King and Chili's, bully for them.) So being the clever sort I had ordered a spinach-potato knish (baked not fried) from the deli with my dinner last night and had them pack it to go. And ~this was the one difference in the contents of my bag. The officer was delving through my bag, pulling out shredded paper, lint and pennies before going to the main compartment. Disdainfully he carefully extracted the brown paper bag with the words "Famous Deli" lavishly printed on its now-crumpled exterior. He held it at arms length against a device that paused and then emitted a single solitary beep. "Um, that's my knish." "I see." He dumped it back into the bag, which is where the dent in it's spherical form must have come from when I pulled it out later on the plane. Not that it damaged the taste any. Perhaps potato and spinach have the same consistency as C4, perhaps not but I wonder, if it had come with a tooth pick stuck in it... would they have just blown my bag up without even looking? Probably...
Mar/03
2011
And if he doesn't get his way then innocent heads WILL roll.
MADISON, Wis. (AP) — Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker said Thursday that he will issue layoff notices to 1,500 state workers on Friday if his proposal forcing them to pay more for benefits and taking away nearly all their collective bargaining rights isn't passed by then.
Well it's clear that Walker is pretty comfy with taking a leaf from the Islamist Militant Handbook: "If you don't get what you want at first threaten, then demand, then execute." Stay tuned, next week he'll be trying to have the Dems stoned to death and hands chopped off of the Union leaders.
Mar/03
2011
Kids these days really think they have it all. And for the most part they really do. Get a load of this for-credit, college class.
CHICAGO (AP) — Northwestern University's president said Thursday that he is "troubled and disappointed" that a psychology professor allowed a couple to engage in a sex act involving a motorized sex toy in front of dozens of students, and he is calling for an investigation.[...] A guest lecturer had been discussing bondage and sexual fetishes during Bailey's human sexuality class. According to published reports, a couple at the lecture decided that a video the students were watching on the female orgasm was not realistic and gave a live presentation involving the sex toy.
Sure our college had a class on human sexuality, it was affectionately referred to as "Sluts N' Nuts" but no it certainly didn't include any live-action events, much less semi-live, blow-up doll events or even anything more risque than than the reading material (admittedly the Story of O did expand my horizons a tad and I wasn't even *in the class.) Still, does diddling a dame with a dildo as a post-class, totally voluntary event really constitute bad judgement? Well, it depends on who you ask really. I'll bet the kids thought it was pretty informative however. And probably more than one girlfriend/boyfriend learned a think or two that will stick with them for a good, long time to come.
Mar/03
2011
Public Employees seem to be the most fashionable whipping posts these days. For many, we only know of their existence if they screw-up. However, as long as things run smoothly we don’t give these folks a second thought. We drive down the road, turn on the tap and generally carry on with our lives expecting everything to function properly. Consider some of the following “invisible” people who happen to be public employees: Traffic engineers make sure traffic lights are timed properly and functioning. Water quality engineers make sure that the source water to drinking water treatment plants is acceptable, that the right amount of disinfecting products are used and that the treatment plant is operating properly. Sanitarians inspect restaurants to make sure that the proprietors and their employees know how to properly handle food so that the public doesn’t get sick. Medical professionals evaluate complaints about doctors to make sure that doctors who might harm patients no longer legally practice medicine. Structural engineers inspect public structures such as bridges and dams to determine if work needs to be done to those items to prevent failure that may cause death and property damage. Health physicists make sure that X-ray machines and cancer treatment centers are not excessively dosing people with radiation. This is a short list. We no longer live in a frontier living off the land, living or dying by what we can provide for ourselves. We have structure. We have a society and our government is part of that society. Are our government and its structure perfect? Heck no. But that isn’t necessarily the fault of the people actually doing the work. If you think public employees have it way to easy and that they should all be fired, be careful what you wish for. If you want to see what life would be like without infrastructure and oversight, visit any number of third world countries. Cholera? check. Traffic jam because a traffic light is out? check. Derailed train on a poorly maintained bridge? check. Flooded town from a dam break? check. Just another day in paradise in a land with a "small goevernment".
Mar/02
2011
Talk about closing the barn door after the horse not only left but died, was resurrected, killed again and evolved into a new species. Still, I guess after absolving Galileo, the Church is still looking for new opportunities to make the news in as tame a manner as possible.
VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI has made a sweeping exoneration of the Jewish people for the death of Jesus Christ, tackling one of the most controversial issues in Christianity in a new book. In "Jesus of Nazareth-Part II" excerpts released Wednesday, Benedict explains biblically and theologically why there is no basis in Scripture for the argument that the Jewish people as a whole were responsible for Jesus' death.
Really I don't see this as a "stop the presses" kind of moment. It's much more of a "Yeah we knew this what took *you* so fucking long" kinda dealio. I mean it might make an impression on those that are still strongly Catholic and Anti-Semitic. All five of them. Because, you know, just no one is really Catholic any more and those that are believe in abortion, gay marriage and the ordination of women. So yeah, who's gonna really care? Better late than never but, still. Not impressed.
Mar/02
2011
But originality only goes so far, especially with something so clearly wacked out...
WASHINGTON (AP) — Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, a potential Republican presidential contender, accused the Obama administration Wednesday of favoring a run-up in gas prices to prod consumers to buy more fuel-efficient cars.
Actually it's downright hysterical, after gas prices rocketed into the stratosphere under the previous, oil-baron, President that Barbie thinks our current leader is so desperately green. Yes Barbie, Obama is secretly tap-dancing on dance floor constructed entirely of parked Prius's parked side by side. He's gonna jam hybrids down everyone's throats in the same way that every American was forced to buy a 12 MPG gas-guzzling SUV a decade ago. Guy, do you even think about what you say before it spews out of your mouth? What a dipshit.
Mar/02
2011
The British call it wanking. It used to be called "choking the chicken" or "spanking the monkey." But regardless of whether you choose to call it jacking off, jerking off, beating off this gay-bashing preacher was found doing it in a park full of little kids. Mmm hmm.
Rev. Grant Storms, a renowned anti-gay Christian pastor from Louisiana, was arrested last week for masturbating at a public park, in the vicinity of a carousel and playground where children were present [...] one woman saw Storms parked in his van "looking at the playground area that contained children playing, with his zipper down...," [...] After judging that Storms was masturbating, the woman and another mother who witnessed the event both alerted deputies. After being apprehended by authorities, Storms claimed that he had been urinating into a bottle. He was then booked for obscenity -- charges that he denied -- and then released due to overcrowding in the jail.
Yeah being a consenting homosexual adult is bad in this guy's book, but stroking your wiener and thinking about tots is not. But wait there's more! He's got an excuse? Ready? Wait for it...
The pastor appeared less willing to discuss the matter at a press conference on Tuesday, during which he blamed "pornography" for the incident. "Pornography is destructive and it can ruin a person's life, and it ruined my life," he said at the conference, admitting that he had his hands in his pants, but maintaining that he wasn't masturbating (Huffington)
Yeah apparently wanking off in the name of Jesus is just fine, so long as you're a man of the cloth. Heck the Catholics have been doing this for eons. Maybe the only mistake Grant made was to sign up for the wrong group.
Mar/02
2011
I'm not at all partial to this hotel. The rooms are acceptable and the location is ok but everything else about it is lacking. There's no place to eat, the ameneties are eh, and other facilities such as the gym or pool? Yes the former exists in name, that is if you consider a double-wide closet with an odd assortment of weights (15, 20, 25, 35, 45... don't look for a pattern you'll hurt yourself) and just enough room to sidle between the two treadmills and bike is a gym. As for the pool? Ha. It is to laugh. No, there is no pool. I try and make time to work out on trips for several reasons. For one it controls my food-focus. You're bored, you're on business, the constant question is when, where, what are we going to eat? Going to the gym helps break the cycle as well as working the flight-cramped muscles and tendons back into some sort of order. I prefer it to a nap. So I went down to the sub-basement and wiggled my way between the machines over to the weights and the pseudo-universal. In front of Ru-Paul on the tube I cobbled together a workout in the minuscule space. Finally I unfolded a mat the size of something that you put under a plate and tried to stretch. By now two other people had joined the claustrophobia closet, one a friend whom I can share my breathing space with the other, kindly, at the other end (4' away) on a recumbent bike. Then the last guy came in. Last Guy was weirdly dressed. I mean I know this is a hotel and you can forget to pack but he was wearing two wristfuls of bracelets, baggy jeans (this becomes a major issue later), a white T and cowboy boots. Last Guy also has no sense of personal space, squeezing his chubby bulk into the remaining 2 square feet next to me and my coworker. He picks up some weights and faces us to do some oddly off-synch curls. Ok great, whatever, I compensated by turning to face the other direction. Then he goes to the universal (which believe it or not was even closer to me) and as I'm seated, indian-style, working the flexibility back into my back, he turns around (this is good), reaches up to the chin-up bars (yeah, sure, whatever, as if) and just hangs from it which would have been just fine except for the Grand canyon sized ass-crack now mere inches from my face (ohdeargodsshootmenowplease.) I rediscovered my flexibility in a flash, and assumed a pose I've only ever seen performed by the most adept yoga masters on the planet. That was the good part. The bad part was having to hold it until Cap'n Ass Crack finally let himself back down, a good few minutes later. I tried to untwine my limbs, catch my breath, recover. Then he hit the pose a second time. I ran for it. The workout was over. I saw Cap'n AC again later, as I waited for my coworkers to go out to dinner. He had in tow two little boys, the youngest was dressed exactly like him, down to the palm-sized cowboy boots. Next time I travel here? Either it's going to be a different hotel or I may just forgo the work out for a nap after all.
Mar/02
2011

Seen @ LAX, 6:15 am

A woman just walked by with a hairdo that looked precisely as if she had stuck her finger in a socket and then lacquered it into place. 50's, a tad dumpy, traveling with what appeared to be her husband and another couple, her dyed brown hair stuck out like a dandelion in a full 360 helmet of frail, coffee-colored spikes. It's waaaay to fucking early for this shit. Oh and LAX has no goddamned outlets. It sucks. The one outlet I did find had some messed up prong pattern. I can't wait to get home.
Mar/02
2011
The phrase goes: "patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel" but if you're not really a patriot then what do you do? Why blame the Great Jewish Conspiracy of course!
LONDON — A report published by a British magazine on Tuesday said the WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, suggested that British journalists, including the editor of The Guardian, were engaged in a Jewish-led conspiracy to smear his organization.[...] The Private Eye article quoted Mr. Assange as saying the conspiracy was led by The Guardian and included the newspaper’s editor, Alan Rusbridger, and investigations editor, David Leigh, as well as John Kampfner, a prominent London journalist who recently reviewed two books about WikiLeaks for The Sunday Times of London. When Mr. Hislop pointed out that Mr. Rusbridger was not Jewish, Mr. Assange countered that The Guardian’s editor was “sort of Jewish” because he and Mr. Leigh, who is Jewish, were brothers-in-law.
Frankly it seems like Julian should be sharing a room with Charlie at the Betty Ford clinic since they're both as loopy as a loon with delusions of grandeur. And perhaps a stay with Tiger for some anti-sex therapy couldn't hurt either, don't you think?
Mar/02
2011
I loved Star Trek as a kid and indeed it did influence my career decision, although not quite in the same way...
Leonard Nimoy, who played the most famous TV scientist of all time, Mr. Spock, came from an arts and theater background and in real life is nothing like his character. Yet he told me that because Mr. Spock and “Star Trek” have inspired so many young viewers to become scientists, researchers who meet him are always desperate to give him lab tours and explain the projects they’re pursuing in peer-to-peer terms. Mr. Nimoy nods sagely and intones to each one, “Well, it certainly looks like you’re headed in the right direction.” (NYT)
I have an image of poor Leonard being subjected to a barrage of polysyllabic diatribes on various esoteric, scientific subjects by earnest, lab coated geeks wondering why Shatner didn't have to endure the same treatment by junior law enforcement officers. But then I realize just how silly that is because I never could actually watch an episode of T. J. Hooker all the way through. But my admission was truthful, watching Star Trek did prime my young mind for an adolescence steeped in Science Fiction. I gobbled book after book from middle school through high school, moving from fantasy to science fiction, star ships, interstellar travel and the like. My premise was that if I wanted my race to be able to reach the stars I'd better get into science to help ensure it happened. Maybe I never did contribute to the discovery of a fusion engine or designed a ram-jet that could reach Andromeda, but I've loved science all the same. And for all the others out there that also wound up in a technical field because of Gene Roddenberry and his troop? Find inspiration where you can. Have no regrets. And remember to live long, and prosper.
Mar/01
2011
We can't do it. We shouldn't do it. There's no way we can afford it. So why are people mulling the notion that the U.S. should get involved in Libya?
[...] both Mr. Gates and Admiral Mullen appeared to pull back from Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton’s blunt comments on Monday and Tuesday that imposing a no-flight zone over Libya was under “active consideration” among the United States and its allies. Such a zone — in which Libyan air force aircraft would be denied permission to operate, or be shot down — would effectively keep the government led by Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi from strafing and dropping bombs on protesters seeking to overthrow his rule. (NYT)
I find it frightening that such concepts are even being given serious consideration. If NATO wants to get involved, please by all means let them do it. Without us. If they want our advice, sure, but to be involved in another Middle East morass? Hell no.
Mar/01
2011
It's like watching a never ending car crash, you just have a hard time tearing your eyes away.
Sheen joined Twitter on Tuesday, a day after his publicist, Stan Rosenfield, resigned. Though there are several fake Twitter accounts, this one has been verified as authentic by Twitter. Sheen had more than 160,000 followers by Tuesday evening. His Twitter bio: Unemployed Winner. The first message he posted was a photo of himself and porn star Bree Olson smiling and holding up a bottle of chocolate milk and a fruit drink. It was subtitled, "Winning! Choose your vice." (AP)
We've seen it before with other stars, Mel, Michael, Britney, etc. where their image of themselves is just so far beyond reason it's hard to fathom. I, personally, can't take too much of it because it reminds me of nothing so much as peering into an un-flushed toilet in a public restroom. It's gag-worthy. But the tidbits and glimpses into the unstable mind do serve a purpose, they provide a point of bonding. In a time when people are radically divided on politics, money and our future we can all share a common contempt for people like Charlie. Hell, they make it easy.
“I am on a drug — it’s called Charlie Sheen,” he told ABC. “It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body,” he said, adding, “Too much?” When the ABC reporter told him he seemed “erratic,” Mr. Sheen tried to explain. “You borrow my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard,’ ” he said, adding that his brain “fires in a way that is — I don’t know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm.”(NYT)
The sad things is that if it were acting we might find it laughable, might being the key word there, if it weren't just weak takeoff of Andy Kaufman. Instead of entertaining however, it's sad to the point of embarrassment. Sorry Charlie you're not who you think you are, and frankly at this point we don't even care if you're taking drugs. There's nothing redeeming about your rants, your posturing, or your weaksauce excuses. About the only thing you can do successfully is shut the hell up and go away. But somehow I don't think you can even manage that.
Feb/28
2011
Ahmadinejad says the logo for the 2012 Olympics in London spells "Zion". Really? I twisted my head this way and that and I don't see it. Actually if says "2012". I kinda see that. Actually, the logo is ugly. It doesn't surprise me that Iran's lunatic and chief Ahmadinejad and his Olympic hack man Bahram Afsharzadeh can squint (or not) and see a word that isn't there. When you are a paranoid delusional lunatic you can see thing that aren't there. I do feel bad for the athletes from Iran. They don't deserve to be sidelined by their leader's hallucinations. However if Iran and it's lunatic brethren boycott the 2012 Olympics it won't be the first time a country's Olympic team suffered the consequences of it's leaders folly. Heck even the US boycotted the Olympics in Moscow for just plain silliness. The 2012 Olympic Committee could change the logo. They could easily cite the fact that they came off whatever drugs they were doing and realized it is ugly. Yeah, that would be believable.
Feb/28
2011
Down in Corpus Christi, Flour Bluff High School has an interesting way of proving the need for a club. You see, one of the students wanted to form a extracurricular club called Gay Straight Alliance. The basic purpose of the club is to foster student education about homophobia, create safe discussion groups for students, and to reduce discriminatory bullying. Fairly noble goal. The student's been working on this for a while now. She's repeatedly changed the name, clarified the focus, and done everything she could to get the school administration to allow the club's creation. But, it's Corpus Christi Texas. That wasn't enough. So, the local college chapter of GSA stepped up to support her, and pointed out that the school was actually required to allow the club because it accepts federal money, and is thus, subject to the Equal Access Act. Basically, they can't discriminate. Slightly ironic, that law was drafted to make sure that Christian groups couldn't be denied access to school facilities, but has been co-opted by groups like the GSA for the same purpose. So, instead of allowing the GSA group, Superintendent Julie Carbajal has forced the other extracurricular group off campus. She said there was absolutely no chance that she would allow the GSA group to form on campus. Numerous students and parents have come out to support the superintendent saying that the GSA is out of place with the community and wouldn't "fit" with the school. So, groups like Fellowship of Christian Athletes are out, as well as the GSA. Honestly, I can't think of any better way to demonstrate that the GSA is needed than to have people come out and say shit like that. And the fact that the school administration is taking the same sort of obstructionist approach confirms it. The admin decided to slash and burn everything rather then simply allow the GSA it's tiny niche. High school bullying is a hot button topic for me. Doesn't matter if it's because you're the smallest, the smartest, the darkest, or the poorest kid in class. Homosexuality exists, and we need to make sure our schools have groups like the GSA to help their peers to deal with the intense issues that surround it. Homosexuality doesn't go away if you pretend it doesn't exist, and it doesn't go away when you turn a blind eye to bullying behavior by the students. By denying that, Flour Bluff High School proves that the GSA is probably more needed there than the community wants to admit.
Feb/28
2011
Wtf? Nevada without Hos? Bullshit.
Prostitution never emerged as an issue during the Reid campaign. But then Mr. Reid, a Democrat and the Senate majority leader, returned to his home state last week for his address to the Legislature. “When the nation thinks about Nevada, it should think about the world’s newest ideas and newest careers, not about its oldest profession,” Mr. Reid said. “If we want to attract business to Nevada that puts people back to work, the time has come to outlaw prostitution.”(NYT)
In answer to the question "why now?" Harry came back with the ultra-witty retort of "If not now, when?" Brilliant. It says that he doesn't have a plan or a rationale, just a desire to make some headlines and squeeze a few people who have limited professional options if their current mode of employ is deemed illegal. Prostitution is the oldest profession, and trying to outlaw it in Nevada is just a modern version of the shell game, trying to distract people from the real issues of immigration, guns, and deficits. The state is suffering and putting more people out of work is hardly a logical solution. So yes, I call bullshit on that. Maybe Harry found religion, maybe he lost a bet, maybe he's trying to make good on a promise to his ailing mom, or maybe he's just desperate to try and make some headlines. No matter, it's stupid and I'm calling it. Bullshit.