u235

On the occasion when I stare in the mirror and note all the ravages of age it occurs to me that medicine has a "cure" for these ills. I ponder this for a moment or two and then decide that spending money on myself to improve my looks isn't just shallow but stingy. How can I spend a few thousand on my image when my kids still have to go to college?

... that's how I imagine a rational woman thinking. But clearly not all women meet my definition of "rational". Still, as there are weaknesses in the psyche, there are vultures who prey upon them:

"A Florida plastic surgeon has written about just that in ''My Beautiful Mommy,'' a picture book due out April 28 that tries to calm the fears of kids with parents getting tummy tucks, breast enhancement procedures and nose jobs. [...]

Illustrations show a crook-nosed mom with loose tummy skin under her half shirt picking up her young daughter early from school one day and taking her to a strapping and handsome ''Dr. Michael.''"

Yeah, I wonder just how "strapping" the real Dr. Michael (Dr. Michael Salzhauer) is. Well not really, I googled him. He's pretty ordinary looking, and frankly could use some touching up himself. But he's got a business going on, and he's out to sell it as best he can. Boobs, butts, arms, faces, something his staff I'm sure gets a discount on (to see the published picture of his 'patient affairs' coordinator tossing her boobs out onto the couch like poker chips.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with writing a book that supports your job, but it's still pretty fucking shallow material which is pretty damn hard to justify.

"Diane Kuplack understands.

At 37, Kuplack has six biological children under the age of 12, including 5-year-old twins, along with two older stepchildren from her husband Matt's first marriage. She said it was ''nerve-racking'' trying to decide what, if anything, to tell her children about the breast implant surgery she scheduled for Friday."

Hey Diane nice tits, but how are you going to explain to the kids that you blew their college tuition on getting the implants six years ago? Will you be sure to tell them the reason you can't spend on their wedding was because you have to have those same implants removed?

Then the big day arrives -- mommy's bandages are gone and illustrator Victor Guiza lights up the new and improved mommy with a sparkly princess pink background.

''Mommy, your eyes are sparkling like diamonds,'' the girl exclaims. ''You're the most beautiful butterfly in the whole world.''

Oh hurl....