u235

I would venture that probably everyone has experienced it at one time or other in their life. "It" being the Alt-Friend status. What's an Alt-Friend? It's the person you turn to when all your primary friends are busy or unavailable. It's the fallback friend. It's the last person on your list to call when you just HAVE to tell someone.

You can be an Alt-friend for lots of reasons. Sometimes you're an Alt because you're on the hazy edge (or firmly outside) the social circle. Sometimes you're an Alt because your social overlap is very limited (same science class, after-work sports). Sometimes it's because you're not directly related at all - the friend of a friend situation. Usually those aren't such a big deal. We know they're only friends for that short time you interact with them, and when they choose to initiate something with someone else... it's no big deal.

Generally Alt-friendships are temporary, not something that spans decades. They're not people you've known since childhood, into and out of wild youth. If you do see them decades later it's at a reunion, or bumping into them in your old neighborhood. You look each other over, go "Hey I know that person", chat about a few people you might or might not remember and move on.

But what happens when you find out someone you thought was a "true friend" turns out to be using you as an Alt?

I've got a former buddy like that. Over the past 2 decades we've been pretty close. We generally get in touch pretty regularly, and hook up several times a year. Most of the time it was even, I would call and arrange to visit - then they would. 50/50, host and guest.

However, back when we were younger there had been times when a new friend would knock me off their radar. I would call, they wouldn't call back. I would offer to visit, and get no response. Eventually I would shrug and move along and after a year or so *poof* they would suddenly re-materialize and demand my time, want to catch up and it would be back to the way things were. I would guess this happened about 3 times in 20 years, not bad over all... until of course it happened again.

Now I value my friends. When people call, or make an overture I take it seriously. If I have a conflict between multiple events I feel honor bound to let both sides know that I screwed up and do what is right to make it up to the person I have to blow off. I try to remember birthdays. I'll take the time to listen to gripes and woes. I treat people as I'd like to be treated. So it becomes irksome when my former buddy suddenly treats me like an Alt because some shiny new person has suddenly come along.

Now again, I know from history, that this will only last a year or so because this friend will drive an unprepared person insane. They are very demanding. They have lots of quirks that need to be catered to. They have strong opinions that can't be questioned. Eventually this buddy -will- be back.

But you know? This time? I'm not going to pick it back up. Twenty years is a long time, and just because I've been willing to be being sidelined in the past doesn't mean that I should blandly accept it.... unless I want to be putting up with it for the rest of my life.

It will be an interesting event when they finally do call me back. Chances are they'll be all upset because this new person is now a demon for rejecting their attention or getting into a conflict with them. They'll want to talk and get together. Show me what's happened in their life since the last time we hung out, want to be consoled and reassured. Well you know I do that for my friends.... but it's not in my job description as an Alt.