Category: "Help Desk"

Aug/13
2017

So DOOM. Yes it's a year late, but still, better late than never.

Overall, for MOST of the gameplay I'm thrilled. Fun, fast, giber-fiffic. The art is good, the weapons are good, the monsters are what you'd expect them to be (good). The maps are complex, there's lots of jumping, sneaking and finding out hidden things, all good, good, good.

Then comes the moronic-goobah-style boss fights.

So imaging you're watching a spooky, sci-fi, thriller-style action movie. Like, say, Alien. As you near the climax, the bad guy comes out of his shell and it's Jigglypuff complete with karaoke mic clutch in it's candy-floss pink flipper. You have to bounce around and "kill" Jiggly with a marshmallow gun which does almost no damage. Buzz kill much?

While in actuality the bosses DO look like demons, the boss fights are stuff you'd expect from Super Mario, boring, repetitive, grindy, hard but-not-rewarding, dull. The boss fights are SO out of place after the fast-moving run, climb, jump, duck, shoot-shoot-shoot, switch weapons, shoot that it puts a big boot on your ass and shoves you right out of the moment into the a sweaty-guy, seat-twitching with anxiety, staring with dry eyes at the monitor with spit on my glasses from all the cursing.

If I wanted that shit, I'd watch tRump rallies.

My advice? It's not worth the effort. Play the game on whatever difficulty you like, turn the boss fights down to "baby-cakes" and move on. They're a waste of time and not worth the effort. And to the dev who INSISTED this is what gamers wanted? No. It's not what we wanted. You're a moron and your colleagues who said it was dumb and you're dumb? They were totally right.

To summarize: Doom: 90% of game = Awesome. 10% of boss fights? = Fail.

Sep/19
2016
I want ten bucks when someone actually types in the words "creepy blue welcome screen" and winds up here. Also I want a pony. I'm not sure who in Redmond thought it would be "reassuring" to replace the ol' spinny-thing with a creepy-ass, fade in-and-out blue and black screen but I'm sure they're still rolling on the floor and clutching their sides. Really? I MEAN FUCKNG REALLY? It's about as reassuring as 2001 Space Odyssey just before the mainframe that pwns everyone decides all humans must die. a. An all black screen does not say "Hey, shit's happening right now, don't turn me off" b. An all blue screen does not say "Hey, it's cool, your CPU hasn't heated to the core temperature of the sun and is currently melting its way through the Earth's crust." c. Words that fade in and out, IF YOU'RE NOT SITTING AND STARING AT THE SCREEN WITH YOUR WHITE KNUCKLES CLUTCHED TO THE DESK IN SHEER PANIC, isn't a great way to communicate with most people, let's not even start with narcoleptics. And then there's the "We're updating your system, please don't shut the machine off." Please? PLEASE? Whom are we kidding here? What is SHOULD say is "Go on, shut this motherfucker down and see what happens, we dare you." Truth is, no one (that is not suicidal or just purely and pathologically insane) would even twitch a finger towards a power button. We LIKE our data. We LOVE our data. We NEED out data and MS has us all by the short curlies as the machine upgrades, they can say anything they like. Make us watch infomercials. Donate half our paychecks to charity. ALL TO MAKE SURE THE MACHINE COMES BACK TO LIFE AFTER AN UPGRADE. Ugh. Please? Ha. More like "Bend over Bitch, you know you want it" to be more accurate.
Sep/17
2016
Ok so this post is all about Windows 10 updates. Let us begin with part 1. Part 1 - Where you Think You Want Win 10 But Have Shitty Vista, 7, 8 or Fuckhaveyou So either you're legitimately suspicious or have the misfortune of buying a new system that doesn't have Win 10 on it. If you have 8 or 9 then file this immediately under "ha ha ha ha fuck you" and move to the link below. Actually, why don't we all do that. https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/accessibility/windows10upgrade That link right there is for cripples. Yes it will give you Win 10. No you don't have to mail Bill Gates a prosthesis. Since Win 10 is no longer free this is the ONLY way you can get something which was free but will now cost you a smooth $100 clams to get. Enjoy. Just remember to limp as you walk by Redmond. Part 2 - Where you actually DID upgrade to Win 10 long, long ago but now want the NEWEST version (read: Anniversary Edition) because shit don't work right or whatever. Also note that yes, I didn't bother capitalizing each word because, let's admit this, neither you nor I really care. Ok this time link up front: https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/help/12387/windows-10-update-history?ocid=update_setting_client This link, which you MIGHT be able to reach from your settings > updates & security control panel thingy SHOULD show you if you're eligible for the anniversary edition. (Note: to those folks out there who may JUST have installed the cripple edition, you should be good.) When you go ahead and click the link you should NOT expect it to work flawlessly. Rather, it will download, it will verify, it will try and install and then it will vomit a series of errors 9 characters long (probably some variant on 80000000a-z) and freak you the fuck out. Do. Not. Panic. Instead note that there is now a new icon on your desktop for the upgrade (Yes upGRADE not upDATE). Reboot. Then use this icon. Go find yourself a new hobby for the next 90 minutes. Oh and one more thing: things will be JUST as you left it? Well only literally - see things like your videocard settings? Reset to defaults. Tray controls for other hardware, toys, sound, etc.? Gone. But hey, you now have the anniversary edition right? Woo.
Aug/09
2016
From time to time my Windows 10 would crash hard, generally mid game. Sometimes it was during an intro sequence in a game, other times at random during the game. I eventually dug around and found other people complaining of the same issue - the fix was new audio drivers. So far this has worked for me. So if you do have weird and random crashes and if the sound sometimes loops during the crash, consider checking your motherboard manufacturer's website and installing the latest drivers.
Jan/24
2016
It had been a while, and I've played Portal 2 probably four or five times, so I was surprised when the game started and I couldn't select a gesture on the circular menu. Since your very first task is to wave at your coop partner it was pretty awkward and we were stuck. Then I noticed at the bottom of the screen a red ring. This was also odd. Finally, the gesture menu had a circle with a slash though it - the universal symbol for "no". So I was stumped. Sure, the game had loaded my cloud settings and keybinds, but nothing I did would let me select a gesture with cursor like it had done previously. Long story short, it turned out to be that I now had a controller attached to my PC. Even though I had disabled the controller in the settings I found that I still couldn't select gestures. Once I physically unplugged the controller however, bingo, back to normal. Solution: detach your controller if you want to use keyboard and mouse for Portal 2. Dunno, I guess it's a thing.
Dec/10
2015
It's called a "stank". Example: Person 1: Man, I can't find any zombies to kill, where are they all? Person 2: Over here bro, I got a full stank on! Person 1: Can you believe we wiped? Person 2: Yeah that last stank was too much. Person 1: Anyone see anything? Person 2: I think the stank is coming this way...
Jun/10
2015
I was wondering. I had just bought a new version of Windows 7 Home Pro for a computer I was building. I finished the work and had it up and running 4 weeks ago, before the Windows 10 Update notification came out. (Side note, the tray icon freaked out one of my family members who was ready to wipe their drive because they thought the computer had some weird virus.) Last week all the computers in my house received the Win 10 Update notifier... but not the new computer I'd just built. So I started getting nervous. I checked online and followed the helpful FAQ that Microsquish had put out. I went to the updater and ran it over and over. (Second side note: although the FAQ didn't solve my problem it did teach me a neat trick: hit "pause/break" along with the windows key and you bring up system properties, go on, try it, it works.) In my quest I tried a few different things and reached the following possible conclusions: a) My system was too new and somehow it wasn't in the queue to receive the notification b) I had an OEM version of Windows When I chatted with a tech on the windows help site they insisted that new-ness wasn't a factor. This was reiterated to me when I stopped in the Microsoft store at the mall yesterday. But about the OEM version, all the computer in my house, most of which are OEM versions, all received the update notification. Last night, coincidentally, I did get the Win 10 notification on the new computer. It just took 2 weeks longer than the other systems. Why? I'm willing to bet that Microsoft wants to keep people from buying up old keys (or a passle of new cheap ones) to hoard Win 10 installs. I'll also bet it has something to do with the Chinese but I can't verbalize it in an intelligent way. As for OEM, yes, OEM version ARE getting the free updates. I have 4 OEM sample points to prove it. So if you're not getting your update? I suggest following the FAQ, run all the updates obsessively. Also there's a drop-dead date of July 29th at which all Win 7's will get the icon and the ability to check their eligibility. GLHF.
May/08
2015
Short version: if you're a windows 7 user this is what you do - go to the legacy ATi software here or (this is a bit harder) go to the ATi drivers and software download and MANUALLY select your driver, make sure you pick Win 7 as your OS. Once there, download the Catalyst Software Suite and install. I just installed over what I had, no problems. In my case I had temporarily switched cards and had uninstalled all the ATi drivers and software (most notably the Catalyst Control Panel) in the process. I thought it would be no big deal to re-install. I guess with the advent of the Windows-8-shitstain OS (which I'm bypassing and waiting for Win 10) things went to hell in a handbasket all over. I tried doing the auto-install but that did squat, only offered the HD audio junk. Then I did a clean, and scrubba-dubbed my registry with Priform's Crap Cleaner (CCleaner now I think) and re-reinstalled. Nothing. Manually selecting my card and win 7 on the ATi drivers page DID fix it and gave me back the CCC. Good luck, hope it works for you.
Jan/20
2015
SME stands for Sony Music Entertainment. WMG stands for Warner Music Group. Both have determined that the music you wanted to listen to, or the video you wanted to see was theirs, not for you. So they took the ball, called it theirs, and went home. Now it may not have actually been theirs, but they make so many claims it's hard to verify so Google needs to do as they're asked. Oh, and if you live in the EU? Well, keep in mind that you asked for this. After all, Google can't post anything that someone protests about. Have a nice day!
Jan/13
2015
Aside from checking that you don't have small textures or netbook graphics enabled in the options of the game, try this: go to your graphics card control panel. Make sure that Mipmap Detail Level isn't set to performance (you can also try changing the overall slider from performance to balanced). Also make certain that your settings are application controlled ("use application settings" is checked for everything). That's what worked for me.
Nov/19
2014
I had disabled ads a while ago in my gmail and now, JUST NOW, I saw ads at the top of my inbox. I freaked. Ok so here's what you do to shut that shit off: 1. Click the gear in the upper right corner below your icon 2. Select settings 3. Scroll down to "Importance signals for ads" and click on it (you will open a new page call Ads Settings) 4. Scroll down to "Opt-out settings" and opt out of EVERYTHING Breathe easier. &^#$J%$#*()^&!@-ing ads? No fucking way!
Sep/24
2014
So here's the thing: I DON'T do WASD. Nope. Not now, not ever. And I feel that if I pay more than $20 for a game then it should AUTOMATICALLY come with the ability to set keys the way I like them. Hardcoding the keys to WASD is: a. Poor programming, b. Poor customer care, c. A recipe for FUCK YOU. So to WB Games and Arrowhead, really? What's your fucking excuse? That it's supposed to be "old school"? Well Gauntlet was never keyboard mouse mmm kay? So fuck you for making me waste my money. So if you're not a WASD player and you don't have a Microsoft controller? It's a waste of time. Don't buy Gauntlet.
Jul/07
2014

How To Contact Hobby Lobby

Feel free to use this nifty form to express your views... And if you're too lazy to come up with your own feel free to copy and paste from below. Enjoy!
Dear Person (since Hobby Lobby is now a "person") I would like you to know that you have offended me. I take it personally that you would deny your female workers the right to make their own decisions when it comes to health care. I would also like you to know that in addition to my personal boycott I will work to ensure that no one I know, work with or am related to will purchase from your store. Good luck and have a nice day with your discrimination.
Jan/11
2014
I've been using one of these babies since 1988. It's all I use. I don't get wrist or hand or shoulder pain. They've gotten easier to clean since they went away from the optical encoders (no more cat hair around the rollers) but the scroll ring seems to go wonky. Here's how to fix it... Short version: Unscrew the bottom, rip out the tiny rectangular magnet inside. Plug back in, spin a few times and go. It will be fixed. Long version: First, credit where it's due: gearslutz.com. From this thread I deduced what to do (well they pretty much said explicitly - eventually.) Step by step: 0. unplug the device to make it easier to handle 1. turn over trackball, and carefully peel off the rubber ovals on the bottom to expose the screws (put them somewhere where they won't get lost or stuck to you, they're black and hard to find) 2. get a long/skinny/small screwdriver and unscrew the four screws 3. turn the trackball back over and unscrew the two screws on the right side so you can remove the two right side buttons. Notice, near the bottom, a small, silver rectangle held in by 3 prongs 4. pry back the middle prong (you can use your finger or a flat anything) and slide out the magnet, keep in mind it's tiny and will stick itself to anything in the world 5. put the case back together and screw it together, put the feet back on. They will stick for the most part even if they don't have much sticky left on them 6. plug back in, spin the ring a few times and it should be ok again
Dec/31
2013
Ok, to the cocktarded fuckwad who decided to "make Deadpool at PC game at the last minute" I have one thing to say: Eat A Dick. I don't use WASD, I never have, I never will and the fact that you can't BIND CONTROLS TO ANY KEY YOU WANT is prurient turd-worthy lameness. So, in case you didn't get the message there: DEADPOOL KEYBINDS DON'T WORK. Oh they "sort" of work, that is if you want to use any of the keys LEFTOVER from their mappings. Which is lame if any. So fuck you fucking fucktards for fucking NOT doing even the MINIMAL necessary to make the game playable. DIAF. Good thing I bought it on sale and too damn bad I don't have a CD to mircowave.
Aug/30
2013
And so because it's so obvious, so... painfully... fucking... obvious that the people who share the road with me need it, HERE are some refresher tips on that little something called RIGHT OF WAY (aka. who goes first?) 1. If the OTHER person has a yield sign then YOU have the right of way. Don't slow down and ffs don't STOP and wave the other person on. Asshole. 2. If you are IN the rotary do NOT yield for people merging. If they picked a bad time to enter the traffic circle then let THEM deal with it, otherwise you risk wracking up everyone already in the fucking rotary. And finally, if you are trying to merge onto the highway, yes the OTHER traffic has right of way but it doesn't fucking help matters if you're going 35 mph or stop suddenly on the ramp. Motherfucker but some people out there are total retards. Please don't be one of them.
Jun/30
2013
Ok, if there's a question in your mind then the answer probably should be 'no', but first ask yourself these questions: 1. How much experience do you have? If you have more than a year of riding experience, or at least 1,000 miles, you probably have a pretty good idea of your abilities. That is in your favor. 2. How big is the bike you want? If this is your first bike, and you're looking at 600 or less, that's probably a good choice. If you're looking at 1000 cc's at your first go, maybe you should wait. 3. How cautious are you? Do you have multiple tickets? Several citations? Do passengers in your car automatically assume the crash position when they get in? Are there knuckle prints on your dash? Maybe diving into a brand new bike deserves some thought. Basically the deal is that investing in a bike before investing in your skills is a risk. A dealer typically won't care how experienced you are, they'll sell you whatever you want to buy. But the statistics speak for themselves, the bigger the bike, the less experience, the higher chance you'll wind up adding to the numbers. Besides, do you really want to buy something without riding it first? Maybe you won't be able to test drive that bike, but that doesn't mean you can't take a class or ride a friend's beater. If you're a new or beginning rider take my advice, get some experience first, hold on to your money. There's always time to spend it later when you really know what you want.