Category: "Ha ha ha ha Fuck you"

Dec/14
2015
Well sorta, he's in a laundry basket now, albeit a wicker-looking one. For years now it's been an annual tradition of sorts. One of the neighbors closest to the main street will put out a plastic, light-up nativity. For years little Jesus (I pronounce it the Spanish way "hey-soos") was ensconced in the tight, angular embrace of a folding magazine rack (black plastic with slats). I guess it must have broken last year because I think he spent the holiday on the ground. THIS year however, he's back into the air, elevated about an inch in a white, wicker-looking, rectangular basket which is probably also plastic. Time moves on I guess. Even if he doesn't look any more comfortable than before at least he won't be rolling down the lawn into the driveway.
Dec/08
2015
I'm convinced, as a few others are, that Trump isn't actually running for office. He's just having one hella party.
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Here's what some presidential contenders, members of both parties and others are saying about Donald Trump's call to bar Muslims from entering the U.S.[..] "You have an issue with people coming in. Imagine it's a human body and you have this thing that's entering the body breaking it down and creating illnesses. All he is saying is don't let anything else in right now and fix the problem before we do. It shouldn't be religion-related, but unfortunately it is religion-related." -Trump supporter John Metzer, who works in real estate in Atlanta, at a Trump rally Monday night in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina.
It's pretty clear that John is a card-carrying moron. It's also clear that he's not a closet moron any more, but rather an out-in-the-open type moron because he thinks's he's got backing. If my hypothesis is right Trump is doing all he can to draw the crazies from the woodwork. Very soon the act of sporting a "Trump" badge will be the human equivalent of the black and white skunk strip, you KNOW to avoid that person at all cost or you'll spend a week in the shower trying to scrub the stupid off.
Nov/14
2015

Vive La Liberte

Et la solidarité. Pour tout.
Nov/09
2015
Well, that's kinda what they said, only maybe not in those words.
BOSTON, Nov. 9 (UPI) -- Transit police in Boston tweeted out an important "etiquette" update for subway riders: Keep your rabbits off of the seats. The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority Transit Police tweeted a photo Saturday showing a rabbit sitting next to its presumptive owner on a Blue Line train. A pet carrier can be seen stowed under the seat. "#MBTA Etiquette: please keep your rabbits inside their carrier while traveling on the T. Thank you," the tweet read.
I mean heck, if you can't park your bun on a seat what's next? Getting stuck in a little box? Sheesh.
Nov/03
2015

Ball Bag

Yes, it's a real thing.
MONTREAL, Nov. 3 (UPI) -- The creator of Scrote-n-Tote, a company keen to produce lifelike scrotum backpacks, has launched a crowdfunding campaign to help fund mass production. link
Again, yes, it's a real thing. Honestly my friend put his reaction into words better than I ever could:"obviously for those who lack big balls of their own or those who are concerned people might think they have too much class...might as well bundle them with Hummers."
Nov/02
2015
UNLESS IT'S NASCAR AND JOEY LOGANO....
MARTINSVILLE, Va. -- Two weeks after Matt Kenseth was taken out by Joey Logano, Kenseth returned the favor, wrecking him when Logano was leading the Sprint Cup Series race with 47 laps remaining Sunday at Martinsville Speedway.[..]
Of course, unlike Matt, Crybaby-Joey had this to say for himself.
"What happened at Kansas was a completely different deal," Logano said. "We were racing for the win, and he blocks you a few times, and we raced hard, and he blocked me and spun out. That's what happened there. Here, he was a complete coward. ... It's a chicken-you-know-what move to completely take out the leader when your race is over. ... He'll have his."
Awww, did yooo feewinks get hurt Joey? Boo fucking hoo asshole. Did'ja notice how the crowd gave Kenseth a standing ovation when he got out? Did'ja? They knew who the real winner was you fucktard.
Oct/22
2015
Yep. Actually they are.
CAMBRIDGE, England, Oct. 22 (UPI) -- Howler monkeys can't have it all. Evolution offers a choice: big balls or big calls. The choice dictates not only physical attributes, but a style of living.[..] Species boasting larger testes tend to organize in larger groups, some with as many as five or six males living together. The males don't have exclusive sexual access to any of the females, and some females may reproduce with two or more of the males in a group. Competition is less a matter of vocal domination and intimidation. Sex determines superiority, specifically quantity and quality of sperm.
To me the human equivalent is the huge-ass pickup truck. I've always suspected that having a small pair was responsible for the overcompensation, and it's probably true. Of course it's not the size that matters, it's how you use it.
Oct/18
2015

Pro Nut Buster

It's called "conkers" and apparently it's a real thing.
A new world champion was all-conkering after a day of fierce competition in a Northamptonshire village. Some 200 entrants from 10 countries, including Japan, South Africa and the US, battled it out at the World Conker Championships in Southwick. After smashing countless conkers, Steven Prescott and Amy Farrow were crowned King and Queen Conker.(BBC)
I read that and was like "Wha...?"
Conkers is a traditional children's game in Britain and Ireland played using the seeds of horse chestnut trees?the name 'conker' is also applied to the seed and to the tree itself. The game is played by two players, each with a conker threaded onto a piece of string: they take turns striking each other's conker until one breaks. (Wikipedia)
So yeah, you jab a hole in a horse chestnut, thread in a piece of string and then wack away. Apparently. Um, sure? Why the fuck not. At least I can say I learned something.
Oct/14
2015
Imagine, gun-rights fanatics are more frightened of a little dick than a loaded gun. I have YET to see anyone dildo'd to death, even if I can think of a few well deserving recipients of that fate.
Texas students are planning to hang sex toys from their bags in protest at a law allowing people to carry concealed weapons on university campuses. "You're carrying a gun to class? Yeah well I'm carrying a HUGE DILDO," Jessica Jin, organiser of Campus (DILDO) Carry, wrote on Facebook. About 3,000 people have signed up for the protest, which is planned for next year when the law takes effect.(BBC)
I dunno, personally I can think of a lot of good uses for an extra dildo, besides waving it at assholes who piss you off. Door stop, drink mixer, back scratcher, paper weight/bookmark, the list goes on and on. Of course if they REALLY wanted to get their point across they'd have bandoleers made with an assortment of colors and sizes equipped, like a rainbow parade of penises. Yay!
Oct/10
2015
When the phone rang the number on Caller ID was distinctly a telemarketer. They asked for the SO. So, I checked with the SO: "Do you want me to tell them to shove off?" "Yes, but do it nicely." "Well," I replied into the phone, "They told me to tell you to shove off, but nicely, so 'Have A Nice Day!'" Click. Heck ~I thought it was nice.
Oct/04
2015
It's a comment on our society today that no one has the patience to wait for anything any more...
SOMERSET, Ky. (AP) -- A Kentucky woman is under arrest after her boyfriend's body was discovered in a freezer inside the couple's living room.
A man was walking outside his house in January without any pants on. A neighbor stopped him and asked why. The response was "Well last week I went out without a scarf and got a stiff neck, so this is my wife's idea."
Sep/30
2015
Seen on the road, a license plate...
God 1$t
I don't know if the owner of said license plate got the irony, but I sure the fuck did. Also seen on the same trip, another plate reading "Happy Wfe". I'm gonna guess someone got that for her.
Sep/28
2015
There's nothing more embarrassing than failing a witty retort. Unless it's failing AND exposing yet another weakness. Yes, China, I'm talking to you.
From calling her a "big mouth" to making Monica Lewinsky jokes, China has reacted furiously at US presidential candidate Hillary Clinton's recent comments about China's record on women's rights. Mrs Clinton said in a tweet on Sunday that Chinese President Xi Jinping was "shameless" for hosting a United Nations conference on women's rights that day.[..] "Hillary you should quickly rush home, Lewinsky is already in your bed with Bill. Why don't you mind your own business instead of talking rubbish about China," said user Lewubianzhong.
Wow, hella rip there. NOT. Mainly because Monica is such old news that the current generation doesn't even get the reference. In current terms Lews-a-dong fails teh insults. I mean if you want to rip on Hills dis her endless supply of mono-color pantsuits or maybe her email skills. Duh China, don't you know anything? Also, when DEFENDING your position on women's rights it's in-your-face-fucking-stupid to dis an internationally renown female leader with a barb about another woman. Especially one no one cared about.
Sep/25
2015
Prakash Javadekar is India's environment minister. He believes that first world nations should help developing nations with money, oh and to further reduce their carbon emissions. Not to make the world a better place though, but to enable third world nations to spew even MORE crap into the air.
"Poverty is, in a way, a real polluting factor," Javadekar said, adding that India's top priority is elevating hundreds of millions of Indians still living on less than $2 a day. At the same time, expanding the economy and building infrastructure will cause carbon emissions to grow, as the country relies on burning coal to fuel most of the 254 GW of electricity it generates today. "But today, I see the carbon space occupied by the developed world," he said. "We are asking the developed world to vacate the carbon space to accommodate us. That carbon space demand is climate justice. It's our right as a nation. It's our right as people of India, and we want that carbon space." (AP)
So again, Praky thinks that poorer nations should be allowed to pollute more because they're poor. What Praky fails to even mention is WHERE the money goes and who gets it. He also fails to mention that there's little to no interest whatsoever in getting power or financial security to India's poorest and most neglected. So here's the think Praky, until India ensures that money and carbon credits will be used to benefit EVERYONE in India, first world nations will hardly step aside. India doesn't have the most spotless (or even the second, third, forth or nth record although they are well above North Korea and Zimbabwe) record when it comes to caring for all its citizens.
Corruption in India is a major issue that adversely affects its economy. A study conducted by Transparency International in year 2005 found that more than 62% of Indians had first hand experience of paying bribes or influence peddling to get jobs done in public offices successfully. (quick google search on "corruption in India")
Yeah no. Giving your government ANYthing pretty much just goes into the hands of the already-wealthy. Maybe once India stops having poor people clean sewers by hand and ostracizing entire families because of an outdated CASTE system the rest of the world will consider your requests. Until then? CLEAN YOUR OWN HOUSE. Then maybe you can sit at the table with the big boys and girls. Oh yeah and your entitlement? You can go shove that.
Sep/14
2015

Ear Bud Bozos

In the airport, a youngish (mid 20's) guy in a business suit has his earbuds dangling over the front of his ears by the wires. They look like earrings, only the kind a drag queen wouldn't wear. Is it really so hard to just put your freeking headphones away and then take them out again when you get on the plane? Or do you prefer to look like a total idiot? Huh, guess I answered that one.
Sep/03
2015
Yes, really, go. Like, to jail. Also: do not pass Go and do NOT collect $200.
A US judge has ordered a Kentucky official jailed for contempt of court after she has repeatedly refused to issue marriage licences to gay couples.[..] Ms Davis, an elected official in Rowan County, has said the Supreme Court's ruling conflicts with her beliefs as a born-again Christian. "You can't be separated from something that's in your heart in your soul," Ms Davis said. "I promised to love Him with all my heart, mind and soul because I wanted to make heaven my home." (BBC)
First, YES! Next, Bitch it's not about YOU, it's about the people you were elected to serve. If you can't serve then gtfo. Last, you believe in god don'cha? Let's see him/her/it get you out of jail. No? Well, maybe you're doing it wrong.
Aug/31
2015
Sure other kids did it before him and got away with it. But that's no excuse.
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) -- A graduate of an elite prep school who was convicted of having sexual contact with a 15-year-old classmate as part of a game of sexual conquest will be required to register as a sex offender for life, a punishment his lawyer likens to being branded and legal experts and reform advocates say exceeds the crime.[..] Wanda Duryea, a victim of child molestation and sexual assault and a board member at the Citizens for Criminal Justice Reform-New Hampshire, said the sex offender registry needs to be changed and there's "no discretion on the judge's part, it's legislated." "It is the most egregious thing I've ever seen that they're going to register this 19-year-old child for the rest of his life," Duryea said.
Wow Wanda, how much did you get paid for that statement of support? I'm thinking no, since no one reasonably calls a 19 year old a "child". Children can't drive. Can't own guns. But they can screw. And they can entice a freshman into a situation far over their head. No sorry, you're wrong. Owen Labrie seduced an underage girl into sex. If he was smart enough to get accepted (and almost graduate) from a PRESTIGIOUS prep school, then he sure the fuck should have been smart enough to understand that trying to get into the pants of "jail bait" was a risk. Yeah lots of money SHOULD have gotten him off. But it didn't. And being stupid AND criminal is a crime. Owen Labrie failed. He deserves his failure. And the school deserves a solid measure of comeuppance.