Category: "AutoMotarded"


Every year. Every fucking year around this time the highway home is a disaster. For some reason assholes MUST clog the goddamned roads to DRIVE to a fucking store probably to not find what they want and buy some other schlock that the gift-getter will hate but have to pretend to love.

ENOUGH. FUCKING STOP IT. EVERY goddamned person, even 90 year olds have phones, computers, tablets or laptops. You ALL have goddamned facebook and email. YOU CAN BUY YOUR SHIT ONLINE AND GET IT DELIVERED TO YOUR FUCKING DOOR. CHEAPER. FASTER.

AND! Bonus. You won't clog up my fucking commute home.

Thank you. This has been a public service announcement.


And, are, it's about the same...

The traffic on the highway was pretty terrible. I mean it's usually terrible, but it was 12:30 in the freaking afternoon, ffs, and it was backed up all the hell over. No, it wasn't an accident, it was merely people skipping out for a half day ahead of a long weekend. The stupid was endemic and now it was all over the highway. I made the command decision to get off.

The exit has a rotary, something both common and hateful in New England. As I got off the highway and toodled down the exit ramp the backup from the rotary, as people were trying to "merge" (this word doesn't actually EXIST in the New England vocabulary) the exit ramp was backed up a few cars, no more than four or five. I wanted to get home, but I wasn't in a terrible rush, and the back roads were bound to be more promising. What I neglected was the back-road assholes that came with the situation. As I waited, patiently, a battered white van, a workman's van, came tearing down the exit ramp and drove around me to try and stick it's stubby nose in the half-car-length of space between me and the car ahead.

Ok, seriously. What the everloving fuck was this?

I laid on the horn and pushed my way around the van. Astonished and flabbergasted that anyone would pull such a fuck-brained maneuver.

Then I noticed the tRump bumper sticker on the van, the 50-ish run-down white guy with white hair in a stained shirt at the wheel. He tried driving the van into the side of my car, like that would make me budge. He stopped just short of hitting me.

I rolled down the window "Go vote for tRump ya Dickhead!" I hollered.

"Uh.... Ok! I will!" came the clearly perplexed reply. He couldn't figure if that was an insult or not, even with the "Dickhead" in the sentence.

He was on my bumper. Hard. But it was my turn to get into the rotary. I'd like to apologize to the person I jumped in front of, I generally am quite polite at rotaries, but this called for evasive action. As my car leapt into the whirlpool of cars, I looked back, noting that Asshole tRump-Tarder hadn't made it out behind me. I drove hurriedly though the roundabout, three-quarters of the way around, to my exit, and spared another look back. White van was weaving through the rotary, people braking left and right to avoid a collision.

As I made it to my exit, I noticed that the white van had also pulled out on my exit, but one lane over. Another car was pulled up next to it, and both drivers were screaming at each other through open windows. Relieved that Asshole tRump-Tarder wasn't going my way I thrust one spiraling, fisted, bird out the window and bellowed "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" which I assumed the target would know to whom THAT was intended and took off on a quick turn away from the conflagration of hate.

tRump-Tarders. Can't live with 'em and they won't do us the favor of shooting themselves. Hopefully 3 more years and they can go back to crawling under their rocks.


It's not even brick by brick, it's more like acre by acre, watching the total disintegration of the health, welfare and social equality of the U.S. of A. At the helm, evil incarnate backed by a screaming, frothing mass of angry, gun-toting, greedbags.

YPSILANTI, Mich. (AP) -- President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that the administration will re-examine federal requirements governing the fuel efficiency of cars and trucks, moving forcefully against Obama-era environmental regulations that Trump says are stifling economic growth.[..]
Trump's announcement is expected to set the stage for weaker fuel efficiency standards as well as drawn-out legal battles with environmental groups and states such as California that adopted their own tough tailpipe standards for drivers.

Just fucking fantastic. I'm not sure there is a correlation between better fuel economy and jobs, but there sure the fuck is one between pollution, dependency on fossil fuels, terrorism, and global warming. It's unlikely under any scenario that Detroit will suddenly revitalize, boom with new manufacturing of massively polluting, oversized vehicles. But hey, as I've pointed out before, this is tRumpmerica, we just live here. Reality has nothing to do with anything any more.

I know it's not my money and I shouldn't judge, but nothing pisses me off more than seeing an inept driver behind the wheel of a $150k super sports car. This was the case the other day when I saw someone (well not really saw, she barely could see over the steering wheel) at the helm of one of the most expensive Mercedes around. Supercharged, AMG, ultra-extra-everything and the woman, a rather elderly asian woman, was driving it at 15mph backing everyone the fuck up. This car was clearly bought for her by someone with more money than they knew what to do with. It was also clear that she was in no way equipped to drive it. Don't get me wrong, I don't *want* her car, I just want to see her in something that makes more sense. Like in a minivan, big, slow and up high where she can see. The lower-than-the-zipper-on-Paris-Hilton's-jeans roof height meant that this DWO couldn't see, couldn't steer and couldn't get out of her way WHILE mystifying everyone was to what the hold up was. So yeah, it's not about what I want, it's what should be best for everyone on the road. If someone is going to be behind the wheel of a car, they should be able to handle it, not just for themselves but for the health, safety and sanity of everyone else.
Today was fucking awesome. Stage 1: House to major artery. School buses now have to stop every 15 feet because children can't clump together. The little darlings get to stand at the end of their driveways, regardless of the sidewalk, grass or driveways that adjoin them. This means that the bus goes about 3 car lengths and stop again. The bus will also WAIT for the freeking kid to appear from inside the house. This is going to sound old, tired and cliche but FUCKING KIDS THESE DAYS HAVE IT SO EASY. Stage 2: Major artery via side road to second major artery. THE FUCKING POLICE ARE MORONS IN MY AREA. So the side road connects two major arteries. People trek down it regularly. This morning, however, the police parked across the road, blocking it off WHILE EVERYONE DROVE DOWN THEN HAD TO TURN AROUND AND WAIT IN A MULTI-MILE LONG LINE TO DRIVE BACK OUT. Detour? No. Close the road so people don't mistakenly head down it and WASTE 25 FUCKING MINUTES OF THEIR LIFE? Fuck no. DO NOTHING AND JUST BLOCK THE ROAD WITH ONE COP CAR WHILE THE WORLD PILES UP AROUND THEM FOR HOURS? Yes! Clearly! Stage 3: Major artery to highway. Gridlock. Kthnks. Backed up onto the ramp. Happy day. Stage 4: Highway to road to work. This is part major artery, part a wide pipeline right into the offices. I get behind the "NICE GUY" who needs to stop for fucking everyone else EXCEPT THE MILLION MILE HORDE OF CARS BACKED UP BEHIND HIM. Gotta love these folks, they make themselves feel so good about holding up everyone in back of them as they wave across this person or that. Also there's this awesome bike route that stops all traffic, wasting about 100x the amount of gas while stopping 75 cars for 2 rollerbladers. Kinda awesome that. Stage 5: Parking. I got a spot. Not guaranteed because hell, why should the people who do the work actually be able to get to where they need to do the work? Not clear on that one. Yeah, it's awesome. And while today was a bit worse than usual, the drive to work generally pretty sucky. Thus the rant.
So tail lights. I have a thing about examining them, trying to (in some cases) imagine what the designer had in mind. Some are easy, the new Jeep Renegade has this adorable square-button with a little cross-stitched "X" in the middle. Reminds one of a Raggedy Ann doll, really. Probably not what the artist had conceived, but hey, cute (as a button) nonetheless. Then there's what I call the drawer-pull tail light. Looks like the handle on cupboard with all the kitchen utensils. Simple, plain, nothing to write home about. Boring is not the same as succinct, but hey, we can't all be graphic artists now can we? The coaster. Square with a round ring or just plain round. Actually I could have stopped at just plain. Rings can be interesting sometimes, when they overlap, but mostly these are just plopped on top of each other like the blobs of a snowman. The blob. These check the box where the designer was told "we need tail lights, they go in the corners." And yes, yes they did. That's about all they did. For a while Volvo was putting their tail lights on their wagons up so high they'd blend with the traffic lights. It was different, sure, and attention grabbing, but I notice that the lights have migrated back south. I guess the cold weather didn't really suit them after all. Dental tools. This is what is being sported on the rear of the 2016 Toyota Prius. Gigantic, covered in blood, dental tools. I'll say it caught my attention, but I won't say it did it in a good way. Brrrrrrr. Animated tail lights. I think it's the mustangs that have these. They blink in sequence when used for signalling a direction. Very Knight Rider. If you get that reference then you're way too old and probably need help chewing your food. You probably also think that getting into a car like that would involve medical assistance. You're probably right. Paperclips, horseshoes and fishhooks. My but we've come a long way since the introduction of the LED. Some designers are actually doing creative things to highlight the lines of the car (well Toyota tried but they never examined the result). I applaud this. It's a good thing, getting away from the coasters and blobs. It also probably means that replacing said devices when the asshole behind you forgets to brake costs a crapload, but hey, it's all for the sake of modern something-something right? Tail lights. Thanks for reading, bet you won't look at them the same any more...
Negative camber is the latest idiot-identifier since whistle-pipes. It's basically when you tip the wheels of your car so that the bottom of the wheel is pushed out farther than the top. Fucking R-tards consider it the "latest thing" in making themselves stand out, kinda like Donald Trump, meaning not in any good way. Fools that do this claim that it improves handling. Yes, clearly when you reduce the contact patch of the rubber with the road your car will handle better... ESPECIALLY IF YOUR SPEED IS ZERO. Actually, there's no logical justification the same way there's no logical justification for wearing your pants below your ass and being forced to walk around holding them up with one hand. The only real benefit is to the people chasing you as they fall around your ankles and trip you up. Kinda the same thing when you max out the negative camber on your tires. But please, by all means, wreck your bearings, your CV joints, your rims and your tires. Yes it will deprive the masses of some humor in our lives but at least you won't be killing anyone either when you try to take a turn and wind up on the sidewalk.
That's basically the point of NASCAR, it's pretty hard to think otherwise.
Kenseth was harshly punished to deter any driver from doing the same thing, NASCAR chairman Brian France told SiriusXM NASCAR Radio on Wednesday. France referenced the 2013 cheating scandal at Richmond, where Michael Waltrip Racing manipulated a series of events to ensure its driver made the playoffs. France warned the entire industry after Richmond that manipulating races would not be tolerated - and he indicated what Kenseth did at Martinsville fit that category. Jeff Gordon was fined $100,000 but avoided suspension for intentionally wrecking Clint Bowyer in a move that ended Bowyer's 2012 title chances. Reigning champion Kevin Harvick had no action taken against him two weeks ago at Talladega when he triggered a race-ending crash that preserved his spot in the playoffs. France said the only difference between what Kenseth and Patrick did on Sunday were the stakes for Logano, who was on his way to a fourth straight victory and a berth in the championship finale for the second consecutive year. (AP)
So basically it's ok when the Chosen Winner breaks the rules, but not for the un-chosen. NASCAR is a farce. Better off watching your kids play Forza if you want real competition. At least the AIs don't fucking chat.
At first I figured she was on the phone. Generally when someone is going fucking slow as shit these days, wandering from one side to the other they're either drunk or on the phone. Technically both of those things equate to the same level of competency when it comes to driving. Science proved that. Anyway, so this twat is going left, right, with 15 car lengths ahead of her in a traffic jam of people at 8am. Then I see her poking at her eye with a stick in the rearview mirror. Over and over and over. She's putting on makeup? Now? IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC? I wanted, more than anything, for the passenger to grab that pencil, brush, whatever and just jam it in her eye for real. If she didn't want to fucking drive she should have pulled over and let the passenger do it. Or maybe, just maybe, put her fucking facepaint on at home before she left.
I dunno, really, what the deal is with these drivers. I mean it seems like it doesn't take much skill to crash, so I can't imagine why they're being paid so much.
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) -- Reigning NASCAR champion Kevin Harvick shrugged off his critics Tuesday and insisted he did not intentionally cause a wreck at Talladega Superspeedway to preserve his spot in the playoffs and keep his bid for a repeat alive.
Last weekend it was the same shit, different dickhead.
TALLADEGA, Ala. ? Matt Kenseth indicated Friday he wasn?t angry about being spun by Joey Logano in the final laps of Sunday?s race at Kansas Speedway, but his words said otherwise. ?Someday he might mature a little bit,? Kenseth said of Logano after the first practice Friday for the 500 at Talladega Superspeedway. ?First of all, he should have stopped running his mouth, and he?s lying when he says he didn?t do it on purpose. He lifted the tires off the ground and offset it to the left. He?s too good a race-car driver to do that by accident.? (USA Today)
So this is what it comes to: really expensive demolition derby. It's not a matter of skill, just a "let me ram that guy out of the way" kinda thing. I've always said that NASCAR is both rigged and bullshit, I'm so glad that the mirage of "sportsmanship" has vanished. Now everyone can see what it really is, Dick League Driving.
The guy at Avis was proud to tell me that the little black Chevy Cruz I was renting was brand, spanking new. A whole 71 miles on it. Yay. Guess what else? It had major electrical problems too. Not once, but three times during the 400 mile trip the electronics reset while I was driving. How could I tell? Well as I was doing 65+ mph on the highway all the gauges: tach, speed, gas, temp went berserk, waving back and forth from one end to the other. Then a series of warning lights would flash, "traction control error", "power steering error", yellow, yellow, yellow. It was freaky as hell, especially when travelling at speed. Basically it seemed as if the electronics were resetting periodically, and with no special circumstances (not hitting bumps, but travelling in a straight line at steady speed, starting the car, etc.) Overall I was freaked out and wondered if the steering would just die or lock up. So yeah, Chevy Cruz? I don't advise buying one. Not even at a major discount. Follow-up: apparently GM knows this and doesn't give a fuck. Oh and also the problem has killed people.
?This is something that can be serious and I feel like they don?t care,? adds Kayela. If you go to the government website you'll see a number of people complaining their Chevy Cruze also had a flashing dash before the engine stopped and the steering wheel locked up as they were driving. Some have filed complaints with the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration saying they crashed because of it and were seriously injured. In one complaint filed in June General Motors responds saying it launched an investigation and denies any liability. (Fox)
There's a line of cars 2 miles long and the person in front wants to hold ALL of them up to let the person on the cross street go first which, after some confusion, takes up most of the green light. Net result: 3 people go through, the 22 that MIGHT have made it get stuck and the line gets longer. But hey, that polite person at the front now feels sooooo good about themselves. JUST FUCKING GO. DON'T STOP TO WAVE PEOPLE ON. Not only is it annoying as FUCK to the line behind you but it's also a danger if someone else decides not to wait. Assholes.
Boston. That's who. It was 10:30 pm and I was leaving the airport. As I headed for the highway, the ONLY highway, I recounted to my tired companions the time the fucking ass-tard highway authority had the audacity to close, CLOSE COMPLETELY, the on-ramps to the interstate. Ha. Ha. One-time thing right? NO. BECAUSE IT HAPPENED AGAIN. SERIOUSLY. WHO CLOSES ALL FUCKING ACCESS TO AN INTERSTATE? No signs ahead of time. No warnings. Just cones (and in some places cops) blocking all access to the highway. No signs to even suggest an alternate route because guess what IT'S AN INTERSTATE. WHO CLOSES ALL ACCESS RAMPS INTO A MAJOR CITY? FUCK YOU MASSDOT. THINK YOU CAN HANDLE AN OLYMPICS? YOU CAN'T EVEN KEEP A FUCKING INTERSTATE OPEN. FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCKHOLES.
Gas is getting cheaper and just like that the idiots are flocking to bigger SUVs and trucks again. Really. People are THAT fucking stupid. And greedy. And selfish. I mean gas was up to $4 a gallon and it still took a few years of over $1000 a month in gas bills to make people rethink their choices. Gas dips for a few months by comparison and the Low-IQ crowd is back to cramming dollars into their tank with a dirty plunger. Look folks, I don't know how to explain this any better but petroleum is a limited quantity resource. Someday we WILL run out and it will be ALL GONE. However if we act wisely now we can postpone that day so that future generations won't have to suffer as much, or as soon. But no. These people are the ones who will trample you at Walmart to get the stuff they want and fuck everyone else to death because they suck. Makes me wonder what we can put in the water to stop the stupid from breeding because it's obviously out of control.
There is little I adore more in this world than my wonderful and fun... manual transmission. Not what you were expecting eh?
HOUSTON (AP) -- Authorities say two teenagers attempting to carjack a vehicle in Houston were foiled by a stick shift. The pair held the motorist at gunpoint last weekend and demanded that he tell them how to drive the vehicle. After the driver provided a few instructions, the teens ordered him out of the vehicle. He then called police.
I drive a stick and so help me I will *always* drive one. I can't abide automatic transmissions. Call me a control freak, or just a freak, but as long as I'm able to choose I will have a clutch under my left toes and the shifter in my right hand. It serves many purposes other than just feeding my control-ego, it keeps me attentive, provides power when I want it and better gas mileage by default. Want to borrow my car? Better know how to drive a stick, you don't? Oops too bad. And there's also the fact that it's so... manly. The other day I took my car in to get tires put on. The manager tossed the keys to a young mechanic and told him to pull in the car. Sheepishly the kid came back and said "Uh, can *you* pull it in?" "It's a stick?" "Yeah, it's a stick." I looked at the manager who was probably around 50 and said I understood why many younger mechanics might not be familiar with standards. "I'm not," he replied, "It's a job requirement. He just have slipped through." Regardless, it's one less reason for assholes or undesireables to try and get behind the wheel. And one better reason for me to keep it.
Lexington MA has an interesting take on road construction. It seems that this kind of work can ONLY take place during morning rush hour. Not at lunch. Not after work. Not even in the evening, but in a time spanning 7 - 10am which is when thousands of people pour into the area to earn their daily wage. Now, ostensibly, there's some good reasons here because for the last two years every time it gets cold the water main under the route in question seems to break. And now the town is going to fix it finally, but only, ONLY during the morning commute. It's pretty enraging, since the route being worked on is a critical thoroughfare that runs directly to a row of large office buildings and facilities. What's even more enraging is how the town, which is presumably earning a pretty penny from these properties and businesses cares so little about how the roadwork is managed. In fact the roadwork is being done so poorly that traffic backs up onto the highway for miles creating a hazardous situation. Even when people do finally get off the highway (typically over 30 minutes now) there's a second and third merge, both of which have been targeted for lane reductions. The result is pure anarchy as drivers who care little for any traffic laws and even less for each other gridlock these interchanges like teeth in a zipper. But what about the police? Oh there're there but do absolutely nothing to facilitate the traffic. They stand, usually within the work zone, chatting amicably with the workers or each other as cars honk, crawl or creep miserably by. For which they earn hazard pay which is significantly more than overtime from what I hear. So to Lexington Mass. I have this message: FUCK YOU. And about your lying-ass sign that this "work" will be done by the end of this month? Please. Save for bullshit. In fact unplug the stupid sign and use the money to pay the workers to work DURING the day, not before the work day starts.
What we need is a way of instantly shaming people who text and drive. It's not ok. IT'S NOT OK. Really.
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Nearly everyone agrees that texting and driving is dangerous. Many people do it anyway. In an AT&T-sponsored survey of frequent drivers who text daily - regardless of where they are - 98 percent said they were aware of the dangers of texting behind the wheel. Nonetheless, three-quarters of them admitted to texting while driving, despite broad public-service campaigns and laws against it in some states.[..] It found a broad range of reasons why drivers text. Forty-three percent of the texting drivers said they want to "stay connected" to friends, family and work. Nearly a third did it out of habit. Among other reasons for texting and driving: - Twenty-eight percent said they are worried about missing out of something important if they don't check their phones right away. - More than a quarter believes that their driving performance is not affected by texting, and just as many people said they believe that others expect them to respond to texts "right away."
So here's the thing: no one can text and drive safely. I don't care how good you THINK you are, you're not. If you're not fucking LOOKING where you're going then you're not ready. In addition there is nothing in the world or this universe that is so important it can't wait until you've taken the keys out of the ignition. If there IS something you consider to be that earth shaking then, frankly, you shouldn't be behind the wheel to begin with, you should be someplace with a coffee and a good cell signal because your mind won't be on your driving anyway. So back to my opening statement, you can tell when people are texting, always. Their reflexes suck. They're driving 20 miles under the limit, drifting in the lanes, holding up a line of cars after the light has been green for a minute, and most patently: they're NOT looking at the road but looking down in their laps. Because they don't want to get caught. Well fuck that. If we can't have cops on every corner waiting to spring out and snatch the phones from the offenders hands and smash them with a hammer what about having a way of tagging the car with gross-orange paint? Paintball guns rigged to cameras at stoplights, yeah maybe we can't do anything about the people texting and driving on the highway, but we sure as shit can do something about the assholes holding everyone up at green lights. My ultimate dream is that every car comes equipped with hands-free which impedes the use of the phone's screen. Get in the car, device pairs and shuts off the main UI even if it's not connected. Need to talk? Sure. Get directions? Ok. But talk to your car about it, and keep your hands on the fucking wheel.