Rou

Our parents love us. It's a basic precept that most people would agree with. Parents may get angry. They may say hurtful things. But for the most part, it's unconditional love. Or it’s supposed to be at least.

Which is why I don't understand the backlash so many people receive when they come out to their parents. Why does this affect mothers and fathers so greatly that they would say and do things so heinous as to irrevocably damage their relationship with their children? More than that, that rejection often leads people to seek out therapy to help them deal with the damage caused by their parents.

The topic comes up as I read a thread that has horror story after horror story about parents’ reaction to discovering that their child is homosexual. More importantly, regardless of why you believe it’s a sin or disgusting or whatever, why would you ever go so far as to cast your child out of your life? More importantly, what do these parents seek to accomplish?

Has a parental screaming fit ever made a lesbian suddenly become attracted to men? Or has a gay man, upon being told he was damned, ever decided the home decorating isn’t his thing anymore (I kid, I kid). I have a hard time imagining anyone’s sexual preference being altered by parental decree. I can see some people deciding to hide their preference again under the terror of parental alienation. But I have a hard time picturing a case where Bobby really decided that he wasn’t interested in Jimmy anymore because his parents told him so.

Part of it is, no doubt, that my parents were some of the best parents in the world, so I can’t see them reacting that way were I to decide to switch teams. And that blind spot prevents me from totally understanding many of the problems other people have with their parents. But even more than that, I try to put myself in their position. I try to envision the position these parents are in, and why they make the choices they made. And then I try to envision my child coming to me and announcing they were gay.

No matter how many times I run through the scenario, I never come up with ‘demand my child go away and never return’. Maybe I just don’t fully understand the parents. But if you want them to change their ways, I don’t see how ostracizing your child helps that. It just takes away the influence you might have had on them.

Maybe this is just their way of expressing their unconditional love. Maybe they really think screaming and banishing their children will somehow correct them. Maybe they think that correcting a child is more important than being there for them. I don’t think a parent has to support or condone the choice. But I think a parent needs to be a part of their child’s life if they really love them.

But apparently, not everyone agrees with that.