World of Suck

I'm sick of the pussified English shit that all "Customer Service" people dole out on a daily basis. These communications are so devoid of actual language, that I'm not even sure what the fuck it is I'm reading anymore.

Take this overly apologetic email from Newegg's "Customer Service" department:

Thank you for contacting Newegg.

We humbly apologize for any inconvenience this may be causing you. Please kindly note that all of the items that we are provided with are what are listed on our website and all the information you see on Newegg.com comes directly from the manufacturer. We guarantee the information provided on our website. Please also kindly note that since Newegg does not have a technical department, we do not test or assemble the products we sell. We have several large warehouses utilizing an automated system, making the manufacturer's products ready to ship immediately following verification of your information and receiving payment. We truly apologize for any inconvenience this may be causing you.

In this case, if you have any concerns about the item, you will have to contact the product manufacturer SAPPHIRE at 1-909-594-3128, or visit their website at http://www.sapphiretech.com/us/ for assistance; they would be able to assist you further.

In addition, upon further reviewing your account, we notice that your item # 14-102-770 is still in warranty and we are able to issue you an RMA for a refund or a replacement on this item. If you are unsatisfied with this item, please reply to this email and let us know whether you would like a refund or a replacement. We will then be more than glad to assist you further once you have replied with your option.

First thing that pisses me off: "This may be causing you". Well, dipshit, It's already CAUSED me inconvenience, which is why I've taken the fucking time out of my busy schedule to make you aware of it.

Then, immediately AFTER, more shit that pisses me off: "kindly note" - well what the fuck does this really mean? Is this supposed to suggest that while I'm noting whatever fact Captain Cocksucker is trying to give me, I should do so with kindness and love, as opposed to using an automatic weapon to shoot the message into the neighboring house's exterior wall?

"We guarantee the information provided on our website" - well, great! except this has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING I'VE COMPLAINED ABOUT!!!!

And... then again, the little prick... "Please ALSO kindly note".. perhaps he is telling me a second time because by now surely I'm a little less than "kind", in fact, I'm closer to psychotically fucking enraged. Never mind, let's continue with the rest of the goddamn message.

"since Newegg does not have a technical department, we do not test or assemble the products we sell." Really? Then how exactly do you a: determine whether a return is defective so as to determine whether or not you will charge the customer a restocking fee, and b: determine whether an RMA is valid? I guess you do neither because that would require a fucking technical department. Well, I suppose a box that's clearly been opened, has rips and wrinkles on the corners and is missing the shrink wrap are all clues that are just too damn difficult for non-technical people to worry about!

He then ends the paragraph with the same bullshit sentence he started it "We truly apologize for any inconvenience this may be causing you". Is he doing this to fuck with me? Are average Newegg customers really so brain dead that they MAY have forgotten in the 39 seconds it took to read the paragraph that he's already apologized? Come the fuck on already.

Now, he tells me to "kindly fuck off"... except, in a nicer, more professionally worded way: "you will have to contact the product manufacturer SAPPHIRE". Well, gee, thanks for nothing fucknut ...OH WAIT!

"In addition, upon further reviewing your account" - Wait. You actually wrote a paragraph telling me I HAD to call SAPPHIRE, and then, you decided "Hey! Wait a minute, perhaps I should further review this gentleman's account.. Ah! He is still under warranty and .. look! we can STILL issue an RMA!"? The email continues...

"We will then be more than glad to assist you further once you have replied with your option". How exactly is it possible to be more than glad to do anything? "I'm more than glad to lick your asshole, sir!". The whole "more than glad" thing just pisses me off because at some point, it had been decided that people were generally unconvinced when anyone told them that they'd be just glad to something. The populous rebelled violently and "more than glad/happy/eager/fucking dandy" was born, and the world put their thumbs back up their ass and went on with their boring stupid fucking pointless moronic lives.

"Thank you for your patience and understanding". Fuck off. You're just assuming bullshit now. I'm not patient anymore, and I don't understand any of this nonsense you've written which could have been easily summed into the following statement:

Dear customer,

We apologize for the inconvenience, however, we have no technical department and our facilities are automated. Would you like a refund or a replacement on this item? Please reply and let us know and we'll be glad to assist you.

Thank you.

I guess that is just too clear and concise huh? Normal people wouldn't know WHAT to think if they could actually READ and understand something.. noo, everyone wants to be given lollipops and be patted on the back while being told "Now now, everything's okay, please don't cry! we'll be more than glad to make your life an absolute pleasure by doing whatever it takes to keep you from being irate! Even if that means treating you like the whiny pussy that you are."

The moral of the story is: If you buy it new, you're (mostly) fine. If you return it, we'll give you someone's previously used crap, so watch the fuck out!

P.S.

Why? I bought a video card. It was broken. I returned it. They actually sent me a USED video card as the replacement. What bullshit.