World of Suck

I'm sick of the pussified English shit that all "Customer Service" people dole out on a daily basis. These communications are so devoid of actual language, that I'm not even sure what the fuck it is I'm reading anymore.

Take this overly apologetic email from Newegg's "Customer Service" department:

Thank you for contacting Newegg.

We humbly apologize for any inconvenience this may be causing you. Please kindly note that all of the items that we are provided with are what are listed on our website and all the information you see on Newegg.com comes directly from the manufacturer. We guarantee the information provided on our website. Please also kindly note that since Newegg does not have a technical department, we do not test or assemble the products we sell. We have several large warehouses utilizing an automated system, making the manufacturer's products ready to ship immediately following verification of your information and receiving payment. We truly apologize for any inconvenience this may be causing you.

In this case, if you have any concerns about the item, you will have to contact the product manufacturer SAPPHIRE at 1-909-594-3128, or visit their website at http://www.sapphiretech.com/us/ for assistance; they would be able to assist you further.

In addition, upon further reviewing your account, we notice that your item # 14-102-770 is still in warranty and we are able to issue you an RMA for a refund or a replacement on this item. If you are unsatisfied with this item, please reply to this email and let us know whether you would like a refund or a replacement. We will then be more than glad to assist you further once you have replied with your option.

First thing that pisses me off: "This may be causing you". Well, dipshit, It's already CAUSED me inconvenience, which is why I've taken the fucking time out of my busy schedule to make you aware of it.

Then, immediately AFTER, more shit that pisses me off: "kindly note" - well what the fuck does this really mean? Is this supposed to suggest that while I'm noting whatever fact Captain Cocksucker is trying to give me, I should do so with kindness and love, as opposed to using an automatic weapon to shoot the message into the neighboring house's exterior wall?

"We guarantee the information provided on our website" - well, great! except this has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING I'VE COMPLAINED ABOUT!!!!

And... then again, the little prick... "Please ALSO kindly note".. perhaps he is telling me a second time because by now surely I'm a little less than "kind", in fact, I'm closer to psychotically fucking enraged. Never mind, let's continue with the rest of the goddamn message.

"since Newegg does not have a technical department, we do not test or assemble the products we sell." Really? Then how exactly do you a: determine whether a return is defective so as to determine whether or not you will charge the customer a restocking fee, and b: determine whether an RMA is valid? I guess you do neither because that would require a fucking technical department. Well, I suppose a box that's clearly been opened, has rips and wrinkles on the corners and is missing the shrink wrap are all clues that are just too damn difficult for non-technical people to worry about!

He then ends the paragraph with the same bullshit sentence he started it "We truly apologize for any inconvenience this may be causing you". Is he doing this to fuck with me? Are average Newegg customers really so brain dead that they MAY have forgotten in the 39 seconds it took to read the paragraph that he's already apologized? Come the fuck on already.

Now, he tells me to "kindly fuck off"... except, in a nicer, more professionally worded way: "you will have to contact the product manufacturer SAPPHIRE". Well, gee, thanks for nothing fucknut ...OH WAIT!

"In addition, upon further reviewing your account" - Wait. You actually wrote a paragraph telling me I HAD to call SAPPHIRE, and then, you decided "Hey! Wait a minute, perhaps I should further review this gentleman's account.. Ah! He is still under warranty and .. look! we can STILL issue an RMA!"? The email continues...

"We will then be more than glad to assist you further once you have replied with your option". How exactly is it possible to be more than glad to do anything? "I'm more than glad to lick your asshole, sir!". The whole "more than glad" thing just pisses me off because at some point, it had been decided that people were generally unconvinced when anyone told them that they'd be just glad to something. The populous rebelled violently and "more than glad/happy/eager/fucking dandy" was born, and the world put their thumbs back up their ass and went on with their boring stupid fucking pointless moronic lives.

"Thank you for your patience and understanding". Fuck off. You're just assuming bullshit now. I'm not patient anymore, and I don't understand any of this nonsense you've written which could have been easily summed into the following statement:

Dear customer,

We apologize for the inconvenience, however, we have no technical department and our facilities are automated. Would you like a refund or a replacement on this item? Please reply and let us know and we'll be glad to assist you.

Thank you.

I guess that is just too clear and concise huh? Normal people wouldn't know WHAT to think if they could actually READ and understand something.. noo, everyone wants to be given lollipops and be patted on the back while being told "Now now, everything's okay, please don't cry! we'll be more than glad to make your life an absolute pleasure by doing whatever it takes to keep you from being irate! Even if that means treating you like the whiny pussy that you are."

The moral of the story is: If you buy it new, you're (mostly) fine. If you return it, we'll give you someone's previously used crap, so watch the fuck out!

P.S.

Why? I bought a video card. It was broken. I returned it. They actually sent me a USED video card as the replacement. What bullshit.

Hillary Clinton pulled out of a rally protesting the appearance of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at the UN. Why? Because Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will be there. According to Clinton's camp, Philippe Reines said: "Clearly there was some miscommunication because this was never billed to us as a partisan political event. Sen. Clinton will therefore not be attending this event."

I would think that something this important could go beyond petty party power plays, but obviously I'm wrong.

Six foot three Joseph Petcka claims he was simply defending himself against the 7 lb ball of fur named Norman. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or just shake my head.

From the New York Daily News

"You love that cat more than me!" Joseph Petcka, 37, screamed at his girlfriend, Lisa Altobelli, just before he pummeled 7-pound pussy Norman to death, court papers say.

The ruggedly handsome Petcka, who has appeared in Brawny paper towel ads and "Sex and the City," claims he acted in self-defense after the cat tried to bite him inside Altobelli's SoHo apartment.

My friend's cat is a bit vicious and has tried to bite me on several occasions. Have I ever felt that I could not escape and had to beat him to death? Never.

Norman, an orange-and-white long hair, died from injuries that included three broken ribs and torn lungs, officials said.

While some may think the 2 yrs in prison that this sick mother fucker coward is facing is harsh - consider that it may have been Ms. Altobelli in a body bag if the big brawny man didn't have the little kitty to beat on.

Maybe the next cat that bites Mr. Petcka will be rabid - then at least he will have an excuse for acting like a lunatic.

PETA can be a bit out there at times when they worry about people eating honey or wearing silk, but sometimes they get back to their original roots and worry about animal welfare.

PETA has been investigating factory farms and they have found some atrocities. The workers on the investigated farm took great delight in tormenting and torturing the animals in their care and it was caught on video. Only open the following if you have the stomach:

http://getactive.peta.org/campaign/iowa_pigfarm_abuse

The people at the intestigated Iowa pig farm turn my stomach. I hope I never meet people like these because I may have to, at a minimum, spit in their eye . . . or stick a finger in their eye or a rod up their ass.

Next time you go buy hot dogs, or chili, or any other meat containing product from a mass-market producer, keep in mind how those animals are treated and that you may be helping pay the sick mother fuckers that treated them that way. Although Hormel denies knowing or advocating this type of behavior, how do they really know how the animals that supply their meat is treated? This may be one farm, but how many sick mother fuckers working at how many farms are there?

I'm not telling anyone to go vegetarian - I'm not. I'm asking you to think before you buy. Visit your local farmer's market. Look the farmer in the eye and see if you think he/she is a person that treats their animals with dignity while they are alive. Choose carefully who you want to support.

Wow, how did I ever live without knowing this?

Toilet - paper researchers create 3 - ply tissue 12 minutes ago

NEENAH, Wis. (AP) -- If two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be better. At least that's what toilet-paper researchers in northeastern Wisconsin hope.

Toilet-paper researchers. I'm just astonished. I wonder if they have that printed on their business cards. Further, how do they do research? No, I can't do it... there's too many obsequious jokes to be made here. And I've got more self-esteem than that.

Attention Raymond. You may think your money can buy you the opinion of the US. It's true that the gas companies did it the last two elections, but you're just one fucking cock-munch and not as big or as powerful as the gas and oil conglomerates. Hiding your money behind a fake non-profit organization for the sole purpose of pushing your anti-abortion propaganda on people is a great example of how you have to use smoke and mirrors to get your message across because you can't do it yourself.

Fuck you.

How many times have you wanted to say that to someone, not because they are talking to anyone, but because they are IMing their little fingers off. Now we may have just had a disaster because someone couldn't wait to IM. The engineer of a California commuter rail, Metrolink, is suspected of texting just before crashing head-on with a freight train. He and a couple of 14 yr old train enthusiasts had become friendly and they were reportedly texting each other just before the crash that killed 25.

This goes for talking on the phone or texting - nothing, I repeat NOTHING, is that damned important that the person on the other side can not wait until you are someplace safe. We really need to get out of that stupid teenaged mentality that we NEED to answer right away 'cause the other person might get mad / sad / nervous / etc. / etc. Just because we can talk/text in more and more places is not reason we should.

So - get your head out of that damned phone and pay attention to what's around you! The life you save could be your own . . . or a couple dozen more.

Well, not court, per se, but rather binding arbitration. While I find Islam's attitude toward women disgusting, the binding arbitration that the Sharia Courts are deciding on are mostly civil issues such as divorce, inheritance and community disagreements (such as a neighbor dispute).

Article: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article4749183.ece

I get it, freedom of religion and all. Plus, the Brits have let similar Jewish courts operate for some time. But Islamic law is a totally different beast than Jewish law.

I would hope that the women agreeing to go to the Sharia court have been counciled on their rights and/or realize they are going to get the royal shaft. I would also hope that there are some checks and balances to make sure that the women agreeing to these proceedings are not being coerced into them. However, considering the "honor" killings that we hear about and the relative seclusion many of these women face, I am not too optomistic about the Muslim women subjected to these proceedings knowing fully what they are getting into.

The part of this that does make my blood boil is the fact that domestic abuse is lumped in with the above mentioned civil issues. Supporters of these courts applaude that fact that the husbands are sent to anger management, it saves the marrage and the women ultimately drop any criminal charges. No follow-up, no making sure the woman has dropped the charges of her own accord, nothing. I wonder how many Muslim women are going to have trips to the hospital or the morgue before the British authorities rethink this aspect of the Sharia courts. Just a thought.

The press like the story to seem balanced. They like to give both sides equal weight. They also like to reach out and find controversy and stir it up. These two features make the press very bad at educating the population. If people don't understand something, they trust the press to inform them. To give them all they information they need to make an informed decision.

That's the problem with teaching the controversy. Evolution is a not a controversy. The US did land on the moon. Vaccination isn't harmful to your children. The planet is over 4 billions years old. There is no chance of the LHC causing the end of the world.

That's just the way it is. But those are not interesting stories. So, reporters seek out opposing views to juice their stories up. They spread lies and distortions in order to grab ratings and sell copy. A story about the evolution of man isn't interesting. But push a few buttons and put the one moron who believes in the literal translation of the Bible on with equal time, and suddenly, the disease of disinformation is spread.

Vaccines are responsible for ridding the world of many serious illnesses and making many more much more manageable. But put Jenny McCarthy on the radio to spread lies about a imaginary link to autism, and you've set back the health care of the country dramatically.

The LHC is a big deal to scientists. It's such a big deal, that the press feel obligated to talk about it. But it's not sexy enough for general usage. So they go out and try to find some fringe scientists looking to make a name for themselves. Someone with really off the wall ideas. Put them up and tell the public this machine is going to cause the end of the world. Suddenly, the LHC is on your morning radio and in the news around the world. But it's such a complicated thing that most people don't understand it, including the reporters. The fuck up the story and just lace it with extra panic.

Then, once the fear mongering hits a crescendo, you open up a paper and see a little Indian girl, so terrified that the world is about to end that she drinks pesticide and kills herself.

All because reporters feel an obligation to teach the controversy.

All my rage and disgust for every low-life slime-ball piece of horseshit who peddle bullshit stories and distortions onto the public to make a few quick dollars. May your sexual organs become gangrenous, and your children all drink pesticide. There is no punishment too severe. Die screaming.

Well, at least until after the election. She said she won't have any candidates on her show until after the election, although she supports Obama and had him on her show in the past. Some women's groups are crying foul and boycotting her show, saying she is missing an opportunity to showcase a woman who is breaking barriers.

I think everyone needs to step back for a second and take a deep breath.

I, as a woman, have never understood the cult of Oprah. She may have set a new standard for talk shows, but she is not a goddess. Although, one might say she is the goddess of talk shows. Even being the entertainment mogul she is does not endow her with supernatural powers or epic genius. The only power she has is the power others, primarily women, give her.

So, ladies, get over it. It's her show, she can have who ever she wants on it. I think a boycott is a little over the top. However, if it gets women to start thinking for themselves again, I'm all for it. Maybe women will quit going to book stores glossy eyed asking for the book of the month and waiting like a kid on Christmas morning for the next issue of "O" - In other words, they might get a life.

And as far as in interview with Palin or Obama? I am an patient person - after November 4th works for me.

From the A.P.

Amsterdam woman charged after fatal motorcycle crash

AMSTERDAM, N.Y. (AP) - The woman accused of causing a fatal motorcycle accident in Amsterdam has been indicted on reckless endangerment charges.

Police say Georgeanna Crisalli threw a beer can at David Rivera back in April, causing him to lose control of his bike.

Investigators say speed was the main factor that caused Rivera to crash into another vehicle, but the beer can is believed to have distracted him and contributed to the accident.

The woman accused of causing a fatal motorcycle accident in Amsterdam has been indicted on reckless endangerment charges. Police say Georgeanna Crisalli threw a beer can at David Rivera on April 8th, causing him to lose control of his bike.

Witnesses have said Rivera turned his head when Crisalli threw the can and when he turned back, the motorcycle began to wobble.

Crisalli was indicted on the charge in Montgomery County yesterday. Police believe she threw the can because she was angry at motorcyclists who speed down city streets.

People on motorcycles have enough to deal with, they don't need looney women tossing cans at them. At least Amsterdam is going to try to hold her accountable.

From the Canadian Press:

CAMROSE, Alta. — Two 16-year-old Alberta boys who admitted to breaking into a neighbour's house, putting the family cat in a microwave and then watching it cook to death have been sentenced to one year of probation and 100 hours of community service.

. . .

“The cat was screaming in the microwave for 10 minutes while it was essentially cooked to death,” said Crown prosecutor John Laluk.

“What makes it worse is they not only tortured the cat, but they wanted to torture the family. This was a deliberate attempt to inflict pain on the homeowners.”

. . .

But the most disturbing crime was described in a felt-pen scrawl on the kitchen window and cabinets: “You had a nice cat” and “it's in the microwave.”

Inside was the family's pet, Princess.

And a year PROBATION and 100 hrs of community service are their sentences? What kind of namby pamby punishment is that? Oh wait, they can't have a pet for two years and one family has to give up its dog - boo fucking hoo.

Chris Millsap, the other defence lawyer, described his client as a gifted musician who plays in the church band.

“There's no explanation ... for such a heinous crime,” said Mr. Millsap. “He's a very good kid who did something very wrong.”

Umm, yeah. I don't define a kid that can listen to and participate in a cat being cooked to death "very good".

If it was my cat, I'm not so sure I would be willing to sit by and see light sentences like this. The mastermind behind this will likely kill a human at some point in the future - that will likely get someone's attention.

There were five boys total involved and Mr. Millsap says they all have "life sentence" due to the stigma of the incident. One of the boys family has moved away. Again, boo fucking hoo. I'm sure Princess's family will be stricken for the rest of their life with the memory of what they saw when they came home from vacation.

I posted the following little gem on my Myspace:

"Ever have a day, week, month, hell, fucking lifetime, where you feel like a mushroom? You know, where you are fed a lot of bullshit and kept in the dark?

Will someone, ANYONE, tell me what is going on? No one seems equipped or willing to give me a straight answer. And if I get annoyed or ask questions, I'm a bitch, pain in the ass, ...

Just wish I could find a light switch and blind everyone with all the hypocrisy!"

Pretty straight forward - deliberately non-specific, but straight forward. Am I pissy? Sure, and I think I have plenty of reasons for my grouchiness. But one of the folks on my friend's list assumed that it was about one specific thing. Was that thing a factor? You betcha. Only factor? Nope.

Now repeat after me "When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and ME."

By the way, it was refreshing to get an answer and getting a few things "verified". Even though I was told how much I suck it was far better than the silent treatment.

Searches... Searching... To Search...
and not find...

Ok, for some of the people who keep typing in the same searches and coming up with our site here's a few clues to help you on your way:

1. "mom suck"

What does this mean really? Your mom sucks? As in she's a nefarious shrew that causes you angst? C'mon be more specific it might help.

2. henbane perfect world

Not sure what you were searching for with this one, was it lyrics perhaps?

3. getting fuck and suck by ronda

While I have to admire the specific-ness of the search (Hi Ronda!) I'm even more pleased that it turned up one of our posts: "State Sen. Ronda Storms - Butt Monkey". Bless you Google, bless you.

4. virgin sex is dull nothing special

Well, a little jaded there aren't we? I have to presume however the good news is that things can only be looking up after that...

5. "jdk vs sdk" and different between jdk and sdk

HELLO SUN - PEOPLE ARE STILL ASKING THE SAME DAMN QUESTION, GET A CLUE!!! No one really knows the difference, maybe you need to pick one or the other, or finally define the difference eh?

6. girls needing to pee stuck in traffic

I sympathize. Anyone stuck in traffic needing to pee is pretty much SOL unless they're really creative (I know some guy who had his wife hold a cup to pee into it and then huck it out the window only to have it splash back at her), or utterly desperate. It's even worse when you're at a complete halt and there's no, repeat NO cover at all. And you're in the middle lane. Personally I try to think violent thoughts.

7. office 2007 sucks

Yes. Yes it does. No more questions on that one.

and finally 8. engine shut off when burning out

Personally I think shutting things off when they're burning is a really good idea.

Next question?

Most people can remember when Lloyd Bensen bitch slapped Quayle with the old "Senator you're no Jack Kennedy" zinger.

*chuckle* Ahh, good times.

Well it's time for the reprise in the form of "Palin? She ain't no Hillary." Sorry, nope. She hasn't the education, the experience, the background or the (ahem) balls to be Hillary. Hell she couldn't even pull off the Orange Jumpsuit if it were Gitmo if you ask me.

What she does have is Brittany-eque news. Clearly a fabu-mom who could edumacate her daughter into avoiding teen pregnancy (but wait! the daughter is going to marry the father... of course they're not saying *which* father). Next up watch while Palin's daughter goes into detox, gets a skeevy PR manager and her ex-husband gets the VP of the US pregnant!

Boring.

Anyway someone needs to tell Mr McCain that women just don't get elected, no matter who they are, no matter if the fucking sun shines out their arse. I guess he doesn't remember Mondale and Geraldine. The fact is that a man - ANY man is more electable than a woman.

Women didn't get the right to vote in the US until after black men. And the road to the president is fraught with parallels...