World of Suck

If you ask me to solve a problem, be prepared to hear an answer you don't like.

If you ask for my help, be prepared to have the work done on my schedule – which is now rather than later.

If you have received my help, don't be surprised if I turn you down on the same topic the next time.

Actions speak for themselves. If I go to the trouble of outlining a solution and you don't take it don't expect me to listen to you bitch and moan for eternity. Either do or do not, but don't fucking waste my time.

Remember the Ren and Stimpy episode with Billy the Beef-Tallow Boy? The one that makes the statement that “if it's fried then Dad will eat it”? The cartoon goes on from there to fry all sorts of items, including non-edible things and Dad eats it and in the end dies of a heart attack. I have to wonder if the artists had Texas in mind when they created the short. It seems that things are not very far from the truth. The latest entries this year in the Big Tex Choice Awards items are all revoltingly fried items:

Deep Fried Lattes: Fried pastry with ice cream, caramel, whipped cream and instant coffee powder (I rate it a 1 out of 5 on the aneurysm scale)

Deep Fried Guacamole: Gobbets of guacamole fried in balls and then served with ranch dressing or salsa (again a 1 out of 5 )

Deep Fried Cookie Dough: Just like it sounds (3 out of 5)

Deep Fried Sweet Potato Pie: Anyone who's ever dealt with sweet potatos knows that they absorb oil like a sponge. (4 out of 5)

Peach Cobbler on a Stick: Yep impalings go so well with heart failure – ask Vlad. Peach cobbler with dumplings covered in pastry dough and ... yes fried, and stuck on a stick. (4 plus 0.5 for the stick)

Deep Fried Frito Burrito and Fried Banana Pudding, it goes on and on and on.

Apparently this is what passes for “cooking” down in Texas: Take something – if it runs club it till it stops, toss it in a deep fryer and then jam it on a stick. I guess it gives them a break from the standard fare of miraclewhip and crushed potato chips on wonderbread with a side of Fried Coke.

Yep, disgusting and bad for you at the same time. I think people need to look at obesity as Darwin's way of saying “hey if you're too fucking stupid to figure out what to eat, die and leave the world to the rest of us.” Frankly I wish Texas could have a state fair every week...