World of Suck

"Where do I go from here?"

Do you have times in your life when you feel like you're presented with a choice to keep doing things the same old way, more or less the way you know how, or take up a challenge and see what you're made of? I think it's scary for most of us trying to think and be different than we usually are. The older the person the scarier it is, I think, because as a child your job is to learn but as an adult your job is to produce.

As frightening as it is to break out and try something different, even scarier is the feeling that you could upset things that depend on you. It's that sense of dependence that locks the knees and prevents even the slightest inclination to stepping forward. And the end result is anger and frustration "Why can't I change? What's so hard about doing things differently?"

Some people make a lifetime out of change, deliberately reinventing themselves. The rest of us seem more inclined to just roll with what we're dealt, stepping up when we're demanded to but otherwise content to just travel along at a constant velocity on some path we took back when we didn't have much of a clue.

I don't think it's a matter of loving or hating yourself, or other people, it's just a matter of beating the inertia of your own image. Maybe that's the real rock that Sisyphus was pushing up the hill. I think I understand him better now.