World of Suck

On the Jersey Turnpike, stuck behind a dilapidated short bus doing 50mph in the left lane and no way to pass.

• Being behind a short bus > +1 to suck
• Watching the bumper dangle less than 6" above the ground ready to fall off, hit the ground and rebound into your windshield > +5 to suck
• Being pinned in by traffic with no way out but to stare hypnotically at the swaying bumper ahead of you > +3 to suck
• Being forced to travel at 30mph under your usual speed > +10 to suck
• Being in Jersey > +infinity to suck

Yeah it's party time for most religous zelots. SD has passed legislation aimed at eliminating all abortions in their state and re-re-starting the legal challange to Roe vs Wade.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU SMALL MINDED SHEEP FUCKERS?

Why do assholes need to make abortion an issue for anyone OTHER than a pregnant woman?

If you're not fucking pregnant, and can't ever be (because you're a man or you're too damn old) you shouldn't have any say in the issue. It's none of your goddamn business.

Not now.
Not ever.

To all you fuckers who think you're on some goddamn jihad to save the unborn.... please die. The world would be a better place without you.

In all the things that suck, this does not. Courtesy of Boing Boing...
http://www.boingboing.net/2006/02/21/video_explains_the_w.html

Video explains the world's most important 6-sec drum loop

This fascinating, brilliant 20-minute video narrates the history of the "Amen Break," a six-second drum sample from the b-side of a chart-topping single from 1969. This sample was used extensively in early hiphop and sample-based music, and became the basis for drum-and-bass and jungle music -- a six-second clip that spawned several entire subcultures. Nate Harrison's 2004 video is a meditation on the ownership of culture, the nature of art and creativity, and the history of a remarkable music clip.

The video, while more of an artsy narrative, is awesome, with fantastic samples and a solid grasp on the evolution of this sample. It is indeed amazing to think about how a six second loop can influence so much and be re-used so offten that it becomes a cultural staple. It's like hearing Big Mama Thornton's recording of Hound Dog, realizing that no, Elvis did not write the song, and in fact, the guys who did prolly stole it from an ancient folk song.

This is why I love being a music geek.

For once this isn't a rant "per-se" but rather a highlight on an interesting topic. The news event that spawned this commentary is that the Supreme Court's rejection of a lawsuit by the tobacco industry. R.J. Reynolds and Lorillard had claimed that their first amendment rights were violated by California. It seems that California has been taking cigarette taxes and using the money for anti-smoking campaigns. Of course the tobacco industry is aghast that not only is the state making money on their product, they're using the money to potentially decrease users.

It's an interesting, if not amusing, situation. It clearly puts tobacco in the 'parasitic' category of human vices. The more people that buy the product, the more taxes, the more anti-tobacco advertising... and visa versa. While tobacco will never actually go away, it's clear that it can be significantly reduced by burdening prevention and medical costs to the people willing to pay for the right to kill themselves.

Apparently California had a particularly offensive (to the tobacco industry) message in one of their most recent ads. They had children being showered with cigarettes on a playground, with the accompanying message informing people that in order to remain profitable the industry had to get new smokers... their children. While it's clearly a nasty message, it's not really a lie. Given that we have now publicly recognized that tobacco has harmful health effects, it's in the interest of the state to want to protect it's populace through education, since that and taxes are their only defense.

So tough shit R.J Reynolds. You and your buddies can continue to make money off of smoking addicts, but as time goes on your attempts at a fashionable veneer will be publicly stripped away. Someday not even the image of being 'tough' or 'bad' will be sufficient inducement if kids and parents are taught the cost of addiction.

I look forward to that day.

1. The homophobic, "our-values" imposing, Extreme Religious Right & the no personal responsibility-blame society-handout giving, pandering, Extreme Loony Left. Both are equally as annoying and destructive. (See Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson; Hilary Clinton)

2. People who have no idea what number 1 means.

3. Obnoxious, annoying kids.

4. Stupid people who have one obnoxious, annoying, stupid kid that they can't provide for...and then have more.

5. People who can't speak english. I'm not talking about those who are non-native speakers. I'm talking about born and bred Americans who can't put together a coherent sentence or articulate a thought in a way that doesn't cause me to have to waste minutes of my life figuring out what the hell you meant to say. It's called a dictionary..it has words in it and will even tell you when to use them and how. Otherwise, just stick to one syllable words or hand motions. You're giving me a headache.

6. People who ask me stupid questions and then won't shutup while I give them the correct answer, so they follow up with an even dumber question.

7. Waiting in line, waiting in traffic, waiting for food when I called ahead, waiting...

8. People who talk to much. Get to the point already..life is ticking by.

9. People who can't make a decision. You know what? I'll make one for you: Go play in traffic or go hunting with Dick Cheney; either result will make me happy.

10. Stay-at-home moms (my bad, HOMEMAKERS) who think they deserve a medal for raising their own kids. If your kids are school aged, then you really have no excuse. It doesn't take all day to clean the house. It's not a full-time job. Jobs pay money. Raising your kids is your responsibility, not some noble cause. And fathers, you don't get a pat on the back either. You're supposed to stick around help raise your offspring and pay child support after the divorce/breakup/one night stand. Stop complaining about it. Kids cost money, be a man and deal with it.

Georgia lawmakers have a problem. They saw someone enjoying themselves and decided they had to put a stop to it. For the children, of course. Think of the children™!

You see, there is a novelty candy manufacturer out there that makes pot flavored candy. It uses hemp oil, which is a perfectly legal ingredient, to give the lollipops and other candies a grassy oily taste similar to marijuana. Why someone would want candy that tasted like that is beyond me, but I don’t like the taste of cigarettes either. Hell, I don’t even like a lot of Jelly Belly flavors either. The point is that none of the ingredients in the candy are illegal. It just tastes like something that is.

But Georgia has decided that the candy promotes “a drug-induced lifestyle.” Senator Fort thinks it’s just not right to allow children to buy dope flavored candy. Apparently it will lead to some horrible downslide that ends in heroin overdoses at age 13 or something. So, they have introduced a law to ban the sale of “marijuana or hemp flavored candy”. The second offense is suggested to carry a sentence of up to 5 years in jail.

It’s simply a case where someone doesn’t get the joke. It’s something to make people smile.

Once again we have the government legislating morality where they should be worried about a number of more pressing concerns.

Sadly Georgia isn’t alone in this problem. Many local area governments have already created similar legislation. I think they all need to get whacked in the head with a reality stick. A little clue-by-four love might help them out dramatically.

For Christmas/Hanukkah, 3 separate people got me $50 Barnes and Noble gift cards. And I had part of one left over from a previous holiday, with $35 or so. Tonight I decided to spend some of that $185 in gift cards. So I went on to the website, bought a bunch of stuff, and prepared to check out.

But here's the catch: You can only use one gift card per order. I had to go back and split my big order into several smaller orders. And these orders will never be exactly the size of a gift card. If I put together an order for $48, I have $2 left over. And I can't spend that with another gift card; I have to keep the card around until I make a non-card order, then get $2 off. Or I can put together a slightly different order, for $53. Then I need to spend $3 of real money, even though I still have a ton of gift cards left over. So basically, I'm screwed either way. (Screwed a very small amount, but still screwed.)

The thing is, this isn't free for Barnes and Noble either. Their costs to package and ship an order are pretty flat (I assume), so they'd be better off if I made one big order. But because of how they handle gift cards, I have to make a bunch of small orders. Obviously that works out better for them, or else they wouldn't do it. But it's still annoying.

The president today characterized the "problem" with the American health care system as being not similar enough to buying a car. Lets go to the quote here...

''When you go buy a car you're able to shop and compare,'' Bush said. ''And yet in health care that's just not happening in America today.''

His grand solution to the cost companies have to pay for health care is to dump the problem at the feet of the consumer. That's completely consistent with his overall agenda to eliminate the middle class by costing them out of existence. In Bush's world there's only 2 classes, the very wealthy (who are the real winners in the war on taxes) and the people that serve them. As part of his plan to eliminate any wealth or savings they might have he wants to push his 'savings account' mentality into health care costs. The underlying idea being that if consumers were forced to pay for ALL their health care it would cost less because they would "shop around".

Interesting.

So as Grandad is in the ambulance you tell the driver - "No! we can't go to the nearest hospital, we need to go to the cheapest! Head for the Tijuana!".

You've got a suspicious dark spot on your shoulder. You think you should go to the dermatologist but wait! They're having a 2 for 1 special - you start calling your friends to see if anyone else might have skin cancer and wants to help share the cost.

The "Tonight Show" is now brought to you by doctors trying to get 50-somethings to come in for colonoscopies because it's a "special no money down" sale event....

I really don't understand why the cost of health care should be managed by the consumers. I don't necessarily see why it's our fault that doctors have to pay enormous premiums to insurance companies. I don't see how making us pay for those premiums is going to help. I don't see why making it harder for patients to find the best doctor should be complicated by cost. If you have cancer you don't fucking care WHAT it costs to get well if the alternative is to be dead. So where's the incentive to shop around?

Yes health care costs money but it's not a problem for the consumers - it's a problem that the government needs to address and regulate. It's why we pay taxes, so our government can identify, address and fix issues we can't. Well that was in an age when the government had an obligation to the mass of it's population - and not just the fucking insanely wealthy. It seems that tax breaks for the rich weren't enough. Now premium healthcare will belong only to that class as well.

I suppose part of the problem is that Bush doesn't believe in evolution... He can't grasp the fact that once the organisms that support the higher life forms die out - the higher life form must die too. Oh wait - he's probably thinking that by then the second coming will have happened.

That's right; the RIAA is at it again. Having been found reprehensible in the court of public opinion, and only gaining small steps in their pursuit of online music piracy, the company has drifted out of the limelight recently. But hey, with the Sony rootkit and a bunch of other issues to contend with, they had good reason to hide in shame.

But never fear; they’re back and just as bad as ever! Yeah! And in order to remind the world that they suck the wind out of a dead dog’s ass, they have made filing to the DMCA rule making proceedings. Now, that may not seem unusual, but the content of that filing has some interesting gems.

Like for example, format shifting to copy music from CD to your iPod doesn’t constitute fair use in the minds of the RIAA. Nor does ripping to mp3 for backup copies of the music for that matter. Even if you never share the music in any way.

It’s an interesting argument. If you’re an insane person, that it. Particularly interesting in light of the following comments delivered to the Supreme Court by the RIAA’s lawyer last year:

The record companies, my clients, have said, for some time now, and it's been on their website for some time now, that it's perfectly lawful to take a CD that you've purchased, upload it onto your computer, put it onto your iPod.

Basically, the RIAA can’t even decide what they mean. All they know is they want your money, they want it now, and they want you to like giving it to them. The problem being that more and more people refuse to give them money, and they find the RIAA and it’s methods to be despicable. Even more than that, they think the music industry sucks because they keep pushing crappy singers (term used very loosely) with few worthwhile songs per CD.

Of course, the RIAA tends to over look that and continues to blame the declining profits on music piracy. Because it’s easier to blame others then see the obvious flaws in yourself.

''Clearly women's health is a high priority for Wal-Mart,'' spokesman Dan Fogleman said. ''We are actively thinking through the issue.'' What issue? Well the issue of stocking the "Morning-After" pill at their pharmacies. Until recently the Arkansas based chain, also the nations largest retailer, was only stocking the pills in Illinois where it was required to by law.

It's pretty easy to figure that being from Arkansas that clearly a women's health is NOT the priority when it comes to a potentially sensitive abortion issue. It took a lawsuit from 3 women in Massachusetts to force Wal-Mart to reconsider its stance. Their lawsuit prevailed, and now the retail giant is required to carry the pill in its pharmacies at all locations. Prior to this decision by the courts (and their bullshit statement supposing concern for women's health), they did not stock the pill for "business reasons". Uh huh.

It's not like I don't hate Wal-Mart already, so seeing them have to eat the verdict and have to stock the pill just made my day a little brighter.

My iPod Photo crapped out. So Apple gave me a new one. I figured I could sell it on eBay and pick up a new iPod video for cheap. Luck went my way and I got the full asking price for the replacement iPod. This was a week ago...

The funds from Pay Pal have YET to show up in my bank account. 5-7 business days... sure... ok... Well - it's been EIGHT. I was hoping they would show up today or tomorrow at the latest. This has been sticking in my craw for a bit.

AND NOW - I get an email from the winner of the auction asking for a refund if he sends the iPod back! His reason? HE LOST HIS LAP TOP AND NOW HE CAN'T USE THE IPOD. Lost... stolen... who knows? HIS ENGLISH SUCKS!

What the hell should I do? I stated on the auction that all sales were final and NO REFUNDS. If I give him his cash back, I'm out 10 bucks because of Pay Pals crappy service charge. I also have to deal with eBay, telling them that the sale didn't go through so that THEY don't charge me. And then - I have to try to sell the frickin thing AGAIN!

Holy Christ. I don't want to be a dick but, SORRY ABOUT YOUR FUCKIN' LIFE! You saw the auction - you sent me money - IT'S YOURS.

Protesters in Pakistan Target West
AP - 2 hours, 2 minutes ago
LAHORE, Pakistan - Thousands of protesters rampaged through two cities Tuesday, storming into a diplomatic district and torching Western businesses and a provincial assembly in Pakistan's worst violence against the Prophet Muhammad drawings, officials said. At least two people were killed and 11 injured. Security forces fired into the air as they struggled to contain the unrest in the eastern city of Lahore, where protesters burned down four buildings housing a hotel, two banks, a KFC restaurant and the office of a Norwegian cell phone company, Telenor.

Warning - Ignorant Knee Jerk Reaction
How long do you think it will be before the world gets sick and tired of the "muslim" community destroying everything in its path over every single offense?

Without knowing every single nuance of the climate and society, my western sensibility tells me that if there wasn't already a "War on Islam" as the propaganda claims, then there will be one soon.

The Pendulum swings both ways. For a long while it seemed like "oh my - we can't do X because it will offend Y". But that just feels like a losing battle. Everything will offend Y no matter what. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. World leaders everywhere will eventually stop caring about your "religion" folks. If not, the western media will.

And damnit - they just went too far! They burned down a KFC! Don't they realize how sacred fast food chicken is to the West? Crispy barn yard fowl lovers everywhere will rise up and smite these chicken-less pig dogs from the face of the earth! Make mine extra spicy, because breaded nuggets of fire will rain down on these infidels! Their destruction of the ediface of the Colonel will be their undoing!

Hrm... The Colonel as Muhammed... now there's an image...

That's right. Actually octogenarian Vice-Presidents of the US with guns do. It's hilarious, in a sad way, that someone who is potentially entrusted with the biggest guns in the world can shoot his own friend in the face. Supposedly Cheney is an "experienced" hunter. It doesn't say very much for his awareness, not to mention is decision making skills that he can shoot a fellow republican right in the chops.

Pushing the analogy, it's a black, futuristic, Strangelovian scenario with Cheney at the helm in command of nukes.

If I were Britain I'd duck and cover starting now....

Well it didn't last long. Less than a year after making the news for hostile, evangelical policies towards recruits, the Air Force is now re-opened to aggressive proselytizing. That's right, they just released new guidelines rescinding the somewhat lame limits they had put in place to keep superiors from cramming religion down the throats of those under them.

According to the White House the previous rules were "too strict". In specific they're referring to the statement that had been added that chaplains "should respect the rights of others to their own religious beliefs, including the right to hold no belief." That was too strict. So yeah it really IS ok to tell recruits that they're "going to hell" if they're not born again.

It's just fucking amazing to me - that something that's so blatantly wrong is both endorsed and encouraged by our government. It's astoundingly clear that the current administration is nothing more than Animal Farm taken to such an extreme where the abuse of position for personal gratification is not just tolerated but encouraged. That the Air Force is being used to viscously promote Christianity is no big surprise, nor is the orgasmic reactions from the "religious right" at the liberties they now have to push their agenda.

In essence the systematic demolition of the fundamental "separation of church and state" hasn't so much been softened, as completely obliterated. Welcome to Bush's America - Get in line or Go to Hell.

It isn't often that the Pope and I are in agreement, but this time we are. At issue is the murder of a Catholic priest in Turkey. The facts are that a 16 year old punk shot the 60 year old priest in the back twice as he was praying. The excuse? It was to "avenge" the offense of the publications of a cartoon of Muhammad. Avenge. Somehow screaming 'God is Great' and then shooting someone in the back, especially an old man who had no relationship to the people who made or published the cartoons is the new banner of muslim solidarity.

There IS no excuse for blatant murder. Anyone, anywhere who justifies killing innocent people because their sensitivities were offended honestly and truly does not deserve to be dealt with in any way except at the other end of a gun. I suppose this is the new reality. Sadly, it means a change in culture and a reduction in freedoms for the civilized world.

Why does it seem that in an age where communication is spontaneous, the gaps between cultures are getting ever greater? Maybe instant global access isn't actually a blessing.... maybe it's a curse.

Advertising is everywhere. On the highway, there are billboards. In the city, there are bus ads. And of course, there are constant commercials on TV. But because there's so much advertising, we've learned to ignore most of it. When there's a commercial on, most people will change the channel, or mute the TV, or get up to get a snack. And a lot of people watch pre-recorded TV (whether on a computer, DVR, or VCR), so they can skip commercials entirely.

Unless it's the Super Bowl. Then everyone gathers around the TV to watch the "hilarious" new commercials. Plenty of people watch the Super Bowl even though they don't like football, to see the ads. And then the next day, every newspaper has articles about which were the best commercials, and people stand around at work talking about their favorites.

But that's ridiculous. Super Bowl ads are still commercials. They're still trying to get you to buy stuff you don't need. And they're going to be rerun approximately one billion times over the next few months. So why make a special effort to seek out what we try so hard to avoid the rest of the year?

Certainly not all the time. Certainly not for everyone. And imho, especially not for certain countries in the middle east and Africa. I will admit that this will come across as ethnophobic, but I am gradually coming to the conclusion that for whatever reason, historical, genetic, environmental, certain cultures can't handle democracy in the European sense.

I'm not going to waste time here trying to list my qualifications as a liberal thinker suddenly turned psychotic. Further, I'm not going to try and make whimsical analogies between the genetic behavior in breeds of dogs and races in humans. The fact is that we can accept that breed has influence on behavior in animals and the same subject is taboo in humans. But that's not my point, or not all of it anyway. Let's move on.

I hypothesize, as I started off with saying, that some cultures can't handle democracy. When democracy is "imposed" the result is negative for both that culture and the world. Lets take the cartoon that's riling the muslim world as case in point. A paper in Denmark published an inflammatory picture of mu hammed with a bomb for a turban. This cartoon has caused riots in several countries, and broad calls for death and destruction. For those of us who have an understanding of what democracy means, we know that if something bothers us we have the freedom to look away. We have the freedom to complain. We even have the freedom to bring frivolous lawsuits in the name of defamation. What we do NOT have is the liberty to call for the murder of someone who offends us. We do NOT have the inclination to commit genocide based on someone disparaging a popular religion.

I'm going to be blunt, because this isn't the place for long diatribes. I am beginning to believe that cultures that base themselves on a religion cannot succeed with democracy. They need a highly structured society that is best exemplified by either a simple dictatorship or caste system. I would point out that many of the "democracies" in the middle east already fit this pattern, and while they may pretend to follow tenants (such as calling elections), that in reality they're just a pretense.

I think America is wrong in thinking that our way of government is right for the rest of the world. I think we've done a dangerous disservice in upsetting the middle eastern apple cart. Not only doesn't it work, I would say that it has negative implications for the average man/woman on the street. I read quotes all the time about women's suffrage where both genders agree that women should NOT have the same rights and liberties as men. That alone makes it pretty apparent that our model doesn't, can't work. The idea that a legislator would stand up and declare that the minority they represent should NOT have the same rights and liberties? Can you imagine the analogy here in the US?

Back to the cartoon however, it seems that muslims cannot grasp the essential democratic facts to come to grips with their role in international society. Freedom of expression -is- a pillar of democracy. It comes as part and parcel of the whole package. I don't have any suggestion for how to solve the friction that exists between cultures, however I have a suggestion for America: We must stop trying to impose our values. We can't be the "guardian of freedom" for the whole world. It makes us a target for their problems, and places a burden of responsibility for their success on us. It's actually better we all live in peace, than trying to improve the life of the man in the street in the middle east.

(props to Abba for the blatant lifting of his category title)

You have one of those days where you discover something you meant to do say... 4 months ago? I did. Just now. I'm amazed I forgot. It's a subject that I normally jump on like a starving wolverine. Naturally, when I bumped into a follow-up of the same thing, I smacked myself on the head.

The victim of my rage? George Deutsch. George here is 24 years old and works for NASA as a Presidential appointed public relations… moron. The problem is the same we have with many other morons the world over. He doesn’t know that he’s a moron.

What did Deutsch do? Well, he sent an email a NASA web designer who was preparing a web presentation for middle school students. In this email he ordered that the designer include several interesting changes to the presentation. Those regular readers of my rants will immediately have the hair on the back of their necks standing up because they know this next part will be good. George mandated that all references to the Big Bang have the world theory added afterward.

It’s a let down for you readers, right? You’re thinking: “That’s not a big deal. It is a theory, so that’s all good.” I’m with you. He was good right here. If he’d stopped, we’d be all good. As you might have guessed, he didn’t stop. He continued by saying that the Big Bang is “not proven fact; it is opinion.” I’ll stop here and comment that while the theory isn’t fact, it most certainly isn’t opinion. It is a theory, which meansthat it is our best explanation, given all the evidence, for why something is the way it is. Like many other morons that attempt to make commentary about science; he doesn’t understand the terminology and is thus crippled for life.

But he’s still not done. If that was it, I’d shake my head slightly and move along. Oh no. Not this guy. He has to keep going. Let his words speak for themselves:

It is not NASA's place, nor should it be to make a declaration such as this about the existence of the universe that discounts intelligent design by a creator.
…
This is more than a science issue, it is a religious issue. And I would hate to think that young people would only be getting one-half of this debate from NASA. That would mean we had failed to properly educate the very people who rely on us for factual information the most.

While this guy isn’t a scientist, he still works as a spokesperson for one of the foremost scientific organizations in the world. He has to fucking know better than this. He is a 24 year old journalism major. He’s not qualified to say things like that. He’s just not.

I could probably take this on for pages and pages of dislike. Certainly there is a ton more crap from this idiot worth of a rant. Like when he threatened a NASA scientist with “dire consequences” if he continued to argue for action to limit greenhouse gas emissions. Or when he pressured a NASA Propulsion Lab scientist to change their news release to indicate that their work was designed for space exploration rather than oceanographic exploration. Because those two are similar.

As I said, I could go on for pages. But in the end, he’s a moron, a wanker and a tool. Not necessarily in that order.

You know, I don't normally break out rantage for a local issue halfway around the world. It doesn't affect me. Unless someone around here decides to follow its lead. And I'd like to think that wouldn't happen. I'd like to think that. I really would.

This rant is focuses on that little island across the pond. Merry ol' England. Specifically their credit card companies. More specifically, Barclaycard. So settle in, grab a cup of hot chocolate and listen to my tale.

A short time ago, in nation across the sea, there was a huge company called Barclaycard that gave credit to those that needed it. For some time, it had been investigated by the Crown for claims concerning over-charges and strangely calculated interest fees. But thus far, it has survived and managed to assure that Queen that nothing improper had occurred.

But because of these problems, the company began to notice a disturbing trend. Perhaps due to their draconian late fee charges and brutal interest rates, their customers realized how that there was an easy way. A large number of them took to paying their bill on time, in full, every single month. Imagine THAT! Which means… the bank doesn’t get to rake in the piles of money for the CEOs. Without the piles of money, there was no place for the wild one-armed midget orgies they enjoyed so much. And they were very sad.

So they huddled in groups and thought about it. What could they do? Then, one disturbingly evil person had an idea. A light bulb flashed on inside his mind and a nefarious plot was hatched. Something so insidious, so rotten, so foul that Kenneth Lay would look on in wonder. Adelphia, AOL, even Paypal; none of them thought of this. WorldCom would be humbled. The British would show the Yankees that there was no monopoly on evil ideas.

He whispered his idea into the huddle, and they knew at once, this idea was perfection. They bowed before his wretchedness, and then scurried back into the dark chambers to set their minions in motion.

What dark idea grew in that cesspool inside his mind? Just this: They pay their bill on time because they know when it’s due. Since we can’t stop them from paying their bill, let’s change when it’s due!!! Ah, but what if they notice? He had answer for this as well.

Do it subtly so if they just glance at the bill, they won’t notice that it’s due a week earlier than usual. So simple. So elegant. So slimy. If they continue to make the payment, move it around some more. Eventually they’ll slip up. But you know, you don’t want to do it to everyone. Just the people that pay their bills like they should. Punish those damn goodie goodies! No debt? Pah They can fix that!

I wish I could say that our story ends with a happy ending. I wish I could say that the Queen thrashed them with her scepter and hurled them down into the Abyss. I wish I could say that, but I can’t. Not all fairy tales end with the witch losing. Not all demons are vanquished. And not every child gets away from their evil stepmother.

People who get pissy when you try to give them an alternate method for doing something can go right to Hell.

Again, in the frivolous lawsuit category, another waste of oxygen has decided to make himself known to us. This time it's John Kiel Patterson of Louisiana. This particular loser has decided to bring a lawsuit against Apple on the basis of the following logic: If you listen to very loud music over an extended period of time it can damage your hearing. Yes. Lawsuit. Yes. Moron wasting precious time on earth.

Now it's not like he's actually lost his hearing as a result of using an iPod. No. It's that he COULD lose his hearing. His issue is that he decided to buy a product which could hurt him if he was stupid enough to use it in a specific way. Further he wants to make this a class-action suit against Apple.

This is what the John K. Moron's Lawyer had to say:

''He's bought a product which is not safe to use as currently sold on the market,'' Berman said. ''He's paying for a product that's defective, and the law is pretty clear that if someone sold you a defective product they have a duty to repair it.''

I don't know - it's pretty clear that the only thing defective is his client.

You know Apple does ship each iPod with a warning label;"permanent hearing loss may occur if earphones or headphones are used at high volume." But this apparently isn't enough.

In France Apple was forced to pull iPods and upgrade the software to limit sound output to 100 decibels (right now an off the shelf iPod can put out more than 115). Which is probably where our boy got his idea. But when it comes down to brass tacks, the fact is that while an iPod could hurt Mr. Patterson's hearing, I'm betting it could do far more bodily harm if it was shoved up his asshole sideways at 35rpm.

Of course this is just speculation... the best idea would be for him to try it and find out.

So, I'm browsing the web, minding my own damn business... well... as much as a professional Ranter can mind his own damn business. And I settle on a page to read an article about… global warming or some such. Anyway, this site has an ad for Pizza Hut. Not just a banner, but a video much like a normal TV commercial with a Jessica Simpson jingle and all.

This commercial bothered me on two levels. The first is the product. The second is the song. We'll come back to the song.

The product is Cheesy Bites Pizza. The basic gist is that instead of pizza crust, they surround the edge of the crust with a bunch of mozzarella stick/ cheese stick little… bites. Ordinarily, I approve of adding cheese to food. But I have to say that as months go by, Pizza Hut seems more and more desperate to add it in new ways. And quite frankly, adding it in unnecessary ways.

Pizza is not a complicated meal. Pizza requires no frills. In its base form, it has dozens of potential toppings. It can be served hot or cold. It takes little effort to procure. You can even get a quality frozen It’s simplicity in food form. The “crust replacement” that Pizza Hut has been pushing recently just seems to be a tactic to distract the target audience from the fact that as a brand, they have failed to create decent pizza. And really, pizza isn’t that tough to get right. Maybe less time of stupid frills, more time on the basics.

Onto part two of this rant. The jingle they chose. You see, Jessica Simpson bastardized “These Boots Are Made For Walking” in her recent movie release. And has further bastardized it into “One of these days these bites are gonna pop right into you” Now, think about that lyric a little. Not too much, your head might explode. Think of the number of ad execs, writers, managers, and such type that looked at it. And none of them thought to mention that it’s fucking stupid? I should be used to that given my management here, but somehow, that still hurts my head. Beyond the stupidity of the lyric, is the irony of the spokesperson here. Jessica Simpson. AKA Ms Pencil. Advertising for a pizza that contains over 2 times your daily recommended dose of fat per SLICE. Yes, I understand the marketing reason for it (coughBOOBScough), but the irony amazes me.

But to sum up my main point: Pizza is a remarkably simplistic food item. Things like this… just seem tawdry.